GO GREASY LIGHTNING
Dot gives Jim a pair of socks for his birthday, then hurries off for her appointment with the creepy doctor from Blue Jam (for it is he). Denman waits in a seat next to Sinead O'Connor and tries to look healthy. Dr BlueJam says that Dot has to come back for surgery, but Dot doesn't like the sound of that. She wanders off to the chaplain to finger her bible and think about what St Paul would do if an Ephesian had a dodgy kidney ("If thy kidney offends thee, cut it out"?).

Jim witters on about his birthday like a 10-year-old, and asks Fool if he can have a pewter tankard with his name on it. Fool seems relieved that he can do his cheeky chappy act for a day or two, and tells him that pewter tankards are old, daddio: the latest thing for regulars is an ordinary glass and a felt tip pen, wink wink.

Moomin is in a major strop about Poline's council house buying scheme. MMartin sees it as a chance to get on the property ladder and maintain his freakish Freudian relationship with his mother. He tells Moomin that in three years or so, Poline will be retiring, and they'll have the place to themselves. Moomin says: "And where is Poline going to live, doofus?". In the end Moomin realises that she's been beaten by the awesome might of the Mother-in-Law, and tells MMartin that she'll do it, but only if she gets an account at IKEA and to decide the fate of the skanky tea cosy. Poline graciously offers to make room in the attic for Moomin's trumpet.

Greasy has been dropped from Team Muppet, but that doesn't stop him walking all the way from Walthamstow to jeer from the sidelines as a proper basketball team - with tall kids and everything - wipes the floor with them. BB is sad. The rest of Team Muppet find a use for the playground (other than suicide attempts and "thinking") - as a bashing arena for Greasy. Do Young People say "trailer trash", by the way? Greasy escapes the bashing by offering to steal the keys to the gym from BB because yes, being Young People, all they really want to do is smoke bad skunk and lounge on the gym mats. Trusting idiot BB hands over the keys, but Gay Pike catches them just as the muppet with the 90s rapper hairdo hands the EVIL REEFER to innocent Midwich Twin 1. Greasy claims that BB said it would be cool to let them hang around in the gym, indulging in reefer madness. Gay Pike raises his eyebrows. Ruh roh! Oh come on, Pike you've been to jail for less...

Mysterious George claims that his injuries come from a bent copper-turned-loan-shark who gave him a beating, and not Kwik-E-Mart laydee. MYGus says he's been reading too many Jake Arnott novels and threatens to turn Mysterious George in after the local paper publishes a description: "white youth, early 20s (yeah, right), blue tracksuit, tendency to talk utter bollocks, can't cook, lots of bruises and cuts on his face").

Dot decides not to have surgery and gives Dr BlueJam an impassioned speech about how much she loves her life and doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. Dr BlueJam says: "you realise that you're going to die a horrible, painful death, don't you?" Dot says she's not afraid to die, and if Dr BlueJam would excuse her, she's got a birthday party to organise. Outside Dr BlueJam's office, she tells Denman that it was all a big mistake and she hasn't got cancer. Denman almost jumps up and down and claps his hands, but just about manages to grunt happily instead. Then it's back to the pub, where Jim has got his tankard after all. The jukebox plays May to December and Dot n Jim dance rather sweetly together, though Dot does have time for one "troubled" look over Jim's shoulder.