THE REFLEX IS IN CHARGE OF FINDING TREASURE IN THE DARK, APPARENTLY
O-Den is worried that his new floozy is going to be all clingy and want to marry him or something but it turns out that she is one of those modern aspirational type women like in the macdonalds salad advert and soon runs off to live her busy life. Teen finds Floozy's undergarments strewn around the house and loudly complains to Denman about his dad's mid-life crisis while O-Den stands outside the room looking put upon. He never had to put up with that from Melinda Messenger on Fort Boyard. He goes to the bookies where Pat is resplendent in a highly structural fuscia jacket. Byrite mocks him a bit re the poker game and is mean to Pat when Pat asks for an advance on her wages (pink jackets don't come for free!). O-Den wins quite a lot of money and then loses it all, because he is a loser. He suggests to Pat that they team up to stitch up Byrite via the bookie's somehow. Pat makes an ambivalent face.

It is Arfur's 60eth birthday. Poline says she is going to celebrate it by going to the allotment and watching things rot and die. Partay!! Dot goes round and has lots of boring conversations with people that are designed to make her want to choose LIFE!!! (with Moomin about baby names etc, with Jim about him meditating so he can be healthy longer and watch moomin and her baby moominlets grow up etc, etc). She decides to pass down her mad cake baking skillz to Sonia, so that her memory will live on in a series of victoria sponges. The two of them skip around like 50s housewives and make a plain sponge. I am surprised to see that Dot doesn't grease the baking tin. Moomin bakes her first successful cake evah, thanks to Dot. Jim says profoundly "There is always time for cake" - so true.

Martina yells at Adull for being a muppet and missing a fare. Scalliq and DJ Ross banter about Martina and are v annoying. Now I know why Dot didn't grease the cake tin - all the grease in Walford is in DJ Ross' hair. Adull asks Martina out for a drink and she accepts just like that. They go to Angies Den (even though it seems to be the middle of the afternoon) and chat about blokes. Martina says that Adull should make a wish about his perfect woman and Adull stares gimpily at Martina and says he is doing just that. Making a wish in his pants. Adull admits that they are all having a competition to go out with her and Martina is like, "Bring it on!"

All Kyert ever seems to do these days is sit in corners and smirk at Ian. Get a life, Kyert, and wash your hair properly while you're at it, Ms Conditioner Build Up. PantoJane has also been overdoing the hair gel, btw, and is wearing a pink velour track suit top like a cross between J-Lo and TK maxx. It is 80s tunes a go go in the caff - with Duran's "the Reflex flex flex flex" and "Don't you want me, baby" both audible in the background. Ian asks Jane to help him decorate Bobbie's room and she accepts. Kyert runs after Ian and points out to him that Jane fancies his sorry ass. Ian is shocked and doesn't want to decorate alone with Jane, so Kyert says that she will help too, as she has no life and doesn't want to miss out on any important smirking practise. Kyert is wearing a really horrible, stripey brick coloured blazer with big shoulder pads. I am having serious issues with the hair/wardrobe people this episode. She shows up to the paint-o-thon with a couple of bottles of wine and then makes a lame excuse to leave. Ian and Jane banter annoyingly, get pissed on £3.99 chardonnay and dance to Adam and the Ants. Ian ogles Jane's gyrating buttockular area and Jane smirks coyly. Vom. They do the "Prince Charming" dance and paint stripes on their faces with dulux matt emulsion. I hope they get dermatitis and their faces fall off. In the end, Ian gets Jane is a corner and slips her the tongue. Jane shouts "Ugh, get off" and runs away. Ian is sad. And horny. Jane goes home to some bloke who appears to have cerebral palsy or something. Hmmm.