TWILIGHT OF THE WATTS
The utter, utter waste of time and talent that was tonight's episode just makes you want the upcoming ODen/Dot two-hander even more. At least ODen acts when he's with Dot, and doesn't just make Albert Steptoe faces every time somebody challenges him.

Well, there he is, wandering around the Square, getting mocked by Byrite, making Steptoe faces at all the snogging young couples (nobody shouts: "get a room!". Not even Gay Pike, who just stands there thinking of Uncle Arthur). There is a nice moment when he reminds Byrite that he had Sham first. Him and Denman, actually. Ew. Well it seems to inspire ODen's libido into making a play for Teen. Never mind that it's crypto-incest gone mad. Denman walks in just in time to save Teen from a fate worse than Dr Perv, and sends her to her room. Denman growls about ODen trying it on with his child bride, and calls ODen a washed up old has-been (how many times have we heard this, and variations of the same, phrase over the past four weeks? We get the message, scriptwriters - you're writing him out. We understand). ODen punches Denman (scattering pot pourri all over the place, what will Shazz say?), but Denman says: "Pah! You big girl! Be off with you!", and shows off a lovely stern profile for what feels like ten minutes.

PantoJane gets cross with Ian acting like a petulant teenager and hands in her notice. Ian says: "fine". PJane: "fine". Ian:" I'm glad". PJane: "I'm glad you're glad. Can I have a reference?" Ian writes a reference but then apologises (prompted by Fool, wearing a brown/cream patterned shirt that I can only describe as vraiment degoulasse). PJane takes her glowing reference home to CJDave and reads it to him. CJDave has enough brainpower left to be so bored, he can't be bothered to stay awake.

Meanwhile Ash takes Martina to a recreation of a French garden at the allotments. He tries to recreate his student days in France, dancing to Maurice Chevalier and eating...taramasalata. Oh yes, that great example of French haute cuisine. For god's sake, couldn't you have at least got some nice pate from Marks? Martina acts like she's never eaten a kebab before (in your line of work? Don't make me laugh), and tells Ash that she's no high class bird: just an East End slapper who'll put out for a pickled egg and chips in curry sauce. Guess what Adull buys her. Guess what happens. No, don't guess, the reality is just as unpleasant as you imagined, dear reader.

Dot's in a bad way. Jim fusses around and is quite annoying, though very sweet. Eventually Dot cracks when she discovers that Jim has swapped Moomin for Gay Pike - I would have thought that was a fair exchange, and I'm sure he doesn't hog the bathroom for as long. But Dot just wants to be alone, so Jim huffs: "fine. Be like that". Dot runs...well...teeters genteely into the night...