MARK MOPES AND SIMPERS STRIKES BACK
Undercover Kyert returns to stalk Fill around the Square, much to the consternation of Irish Nanny (Psycho-Nanny-Slut II?). She corners Fill in the Arches and forces him to compromise his masculinity with a manicure. He tries to snog her and she runs away. Hmm...woman repels Fill's advances. This doesn't happen in EE World. So something must be wrong

Mark mopes around on Loser's Bench and moans to Gay Pike that he wanted to do more with his life than be a greengrocer. Like what, join a bike gang, contract HIV, marry three totally unsuitable women and maim your worst enemy in a bizarre scaffolding accident? He tries to tell Poline, but Poline goes off on one, positing a "Squeaky is alive and squeaking for Mark" theory which baffles even the cameraperson. Mark is sad.

Kellay tries to apologise to Backstreet for fitting him up with the Great Market Stall Takings Heist of 2003. She gives him a really nasty top as a a peace offering, but he still refuses to shag her. Smart man.

Simpleton lives up to her name by walking into the cafe where the putative father of her bizarre genetic experiment's wife works. Sullen is suitably horrible to Simpers, who ignores the hacky looks and starts phoning around various dodgy landlords. Of course, the only dodgy landlord in Walford since the departure of Terry is the baldy bloke who owns Juhneen's old bedsit-cum-bordellette. Baldy bloke offers Simpleton Juhneen's old room (oh! the irony, EE scriptwriters!) at a fairly reasonable rent for a London bedsit, I thought. Simpleton tries to haggle and fails.

Ian agrees to parcel up Simpers' stuff, including some Mother's Day card made for her by the Devil Children, and "accidentally" leaves the bags out for the dustmen. This is so shite that even Simpleton can't believe it. She declares war on Ian.

Slutty...pregnant...getting rid of it...Alfie says Choose Life...Slutty points to her last freakish genetic experiment with the rapidly expanding breasts and calls the abortion clinic.

NC Wrinkly Adultery Plot. Dot decides to stay in the plot cupboard long enough for Twinkly Old Lady to iron Jim's smalls and convert her curtains into a rather odd jacket and skirt combo. Jim is scared.