DOT OR RICKAY IN THE DUMPSTER?

OK, let's get the nc wrinkly stalker thing over and done with. Jim and Patrick receive minor burns in the exploding hooch incident that happened on Tuesday when Mark and I were both out. Jim has to wear bandages over his eyes for a convenient plot twist later. Dot is unsympathetic, and anyway, she's staying at Poline's. Doris sneaks in and plays nursey to Jim. For a moment it looks like she might be a Nurse-Dunkley-in-Footballers'-Wives-type nurse, but Jim waves her away. Dot comes in later to pick up her stuff, Jim thinks it's Doris, and gives her a "you're dumped, you old slapper. Dorothy's my true love" speech. Dot responds by tucking him up in his blanket and sneaking out.

Martin's all nervous because today is his court appearance. Gay Pike will take over the stall, so he is now officially a Fowler Bitch Boy. What's going to happen with his day job, I don't know. Anyway, Martin gets six months and a chance to do lots of prison acting like Drippy and Arfur and Den did before him.

Fool and Backstreet do lots of sexist gurning while hiring a new barmaid. Fool gets a date with large-arsed blonde Über-Slutty who makes the original Slutty look like Mother Theresa. And then there's a non-comedy mixup when a last-minute candidate turns out to be a Stunning Blonde straight out of Hollyoaks. There you go love, superstardom beckons with several years of silent mugging over the optics. Then maybe, if you're really lucky, you'll get to cop off with Fill Mitchell.

Moomin has arranged a surprise party in the Vic for Robbie and Nita. While Robbie is saying his goodbyes, tragedy strikes. Wellard gets knocked over by silver car driven by a miserable git. Robbie goes to the vet, and refuses to leave the dying Wellard to go to the airport. Nita is cross and storms off. Cow.

Rickay is looking at amazingly cheap houses (this is supposed to be London, right? £155,000 for a three-bed semi??? Tsk) and dreaming of his lust nest with Nat. Pat stalks Nat all day (apparently she KNOWS - must be the magic earrings) and drags her home to show her Baz's birthday tribute to The Wonder of Nat. Instead of packing her bags immediately and hotfooting it over to Rickay's house, Nat gets caught up in the moment, and bursts into tears.