Ian goes to Dr Perv to complain about his shoddy vascectomy and ask for his money back or something. Dr Perv says he will do some tests. Pat and DC Steven pack for New Zealand. Steven is still not talking to Ian. Ian is sad.

Charlie is looking for anniversary presents for Sullen and Annoying Gary. They've been married for a year? He picks up various tatty things off market stalls but can't decide what to get. Babs suggest that they make the hazardous trip Up West for something. I can't remember if they decide to go or not. Oh well, who cares?

Nanny is all nervous after experiencing the Wrath of Fill last night. She also has a wierd Hitler style hairdo. What's that all about? Babs says that Fill is under a lot of stress and that Nanny should pay no attention to his psychotic moodswings. Nanny looks troubled. she goes to visit Moomin for a coffee. Moomin says "OK, but not at my house. Let's go to the caff so that any passing Mitchells can witness our conversation". Oh Sonia, and you're supposed to be the clever one. They drink coffee and Nanny does her "Spy in the House of Mitchell" routine again. Fill sees them and sacks the nanny. Later on he calls Sonia an interfering tart and pushes Jim. Even later on Babs comforts Nanny again, unsacks her and explains how Sonia hates Fill and will stop at nothing. Nothing! to destroy him. Nanny feels betrayed. Later on she sees Moomin and runs away and doesn't speak to her.

Mo makes Martin do errands for her in return for not telling Gay Pike about his sexploits. Later on Slutty, champion of teen pregnancy, distracts Mo so that Martin can finally do it with Hard faced Girl.

The coppers get another email from Portugal and make tiresome fishing metaphors about reeling Fill in. They go to mock Fill and ask him for a sample of DNA from MiniFill so they can check it with whatever was found in Portugal. Fill doesn't want to but then the lady copper says "surely you have nothing to hide" and Fill caves like a mug. He goes to the arches, tells AGary to sod off, bangs a hammer on a table and looks like he will cry. Later on he takes Mini Fill to the DNA lab. sucker.

Fool Moon speaks to his brother on the phone and invites him to stay at the Vic. (Shirtwatch: today it is a swirly dark red number that looks like a close up of diseased lungs). Meanwhile Sham and Slutty find an ad for a male stripper in the post. Oh dear, I detect a mistaken identity non-comedy subplot on the horizon. FM skips around procuring lager and Indian take-away menus for his darling little brother. When the boyband looking brother arrives he is mistaken for the stripper and instantly set upon by man hungry vixens Sham, Sullen and Slutty who practically start ripping his clothes off. Fool Moon returns and rescues him at the last minute. It turns out that Backstreet Moon has been in the slammer. They go upstairs, hug and spray lager over each other with crypto-incestuous, homoerotic abandon.

Ian Beale's House of Ambiguous Paternity: they continue to be sad about DC Steven and buy him a digital camera to take to NZ. Ian apologises again for lying, "I love you , son" etc etc. In the end DC Steven hugs Ian and him and Pat finally sod off. Simpleton comforts Ian the whole time and isn't spiteful or mean for the entire episode. Ian says that he can't cope without her and that they genuinely are a family and that he really is happy about their new freakish genetic experiment, I mean "baby". He goes to see Dr Perv and says that he doesn't mind that the vascectomy failed after all. Dr Perv "Dude, it didn't fail. You are shooting blanks." Ian is shocked. Cut to hilarious scenes of Simpleton stroking baby clothes with a demented expression on her face. The end.