Damn! I wrote this bloody masterpiece of wit and loveliness, with pictures and everything. And Blogger bloody lost it. Bastards


OK, so here goes again.


It's Christmas. It's the BBC. It's the East End of London. Ergo, the Dickens hommage starts here.


Babs (Peggoty) sticks up a massive wreath professing goodwill to all men. Fill (Bill Sykes) thinks it's a bit much, but gives her a wad of cash to "buy something nice" while she's Up West. Teetering back from the tube station with two armfuls of EE shopping bags (no logo, no names, no pack drill), Babs is mugged by some skateboarding ruffians. Jaymee (Tiny Tim) chases them away and spends the rest of the ep whining about how much he loves Moomin , and how the Ring of Predestination is the One Ring To Bind Them, and he has to go off to the Mountains of Morden to...ooops...sorry...getting my metaphors mixed up. Anyway, he lost his last fifty squids ont the 3.30 at Wincanton, and Babs looks kind. Then Bill/Fill comes along and throws Jaymee onto the streets. Jaymee is cross.


Martin (ummm...Pip - never liked him) moans about not being able to drive without a licence. Poline and Gay Pike (Mr and Mrs Bumble) tell him that if they don't hide his car keys and force him to take his test again, then he will fall quickly into the ways of the criminal. Martin sulks and decides to go to this "rave" on in Brighton with Backstreet Moon and Hard Faced Girl (Artful Dodger and Nancy, of course).


Simpleton (don't tempt me) and Ian (Micawber) have words about the things that Ian is trying to get her to sign. She discovers that they are for some kind of nasty development, probably out Thamesmead way. Simpleton thinks that Ian is thinking about their future with Baby Simpers and signs anyway.


Unfortunately Dickens wasn't that big on strong female characters imho, so the Slater girls have to continue being Slutty, Sullen, Drippy and Teen - though Drippy could probably do a Little Nell if pushed. Teen starts stalking Dr Perv (not that many black characters in Dickens, I'm afraid), who is one minute declaring his love for Slutty and the next giving Teen the "We can still be friends" speech. Being but a Teen, she doesn't know that this is the brush-off and thinks Dr Perv still loves her. Slutty is sad.

Barry is too irritating to merit a Dickens name, and anyway, having a life-size illuminated nativity scene in your living room is just too crass for words.


Drippy's idea of a bridesmaid's dress turns out to be a 40s-style torch singer number in dark red satin. The Slater girls are happy.