Every episode of 'Stenders this week has featured Fucking Shane Ritchie (who shall henceforth be known as "Fool Moon") coming close to a) being unmasked as a fraud and a faker; and/or b) making off with the till money from the Vic. Last night, the writers cleverly intertwined a non-comedy sub-plot involving pub quiz teams trying to get hold of his questions, and Fool's bid for freedom. It culminated in a touching speech from Babs about how Fool had brought, life, love and a collection of vile shirts to the Vic, and Fool decides to stay. Damnation.




Dot refuses to come out of the plot cupboard until Jim gets rid of the budgie. Hurrah for Dot! Lots of shenanigans with budgie posters and some old dear who keeps calling Jim "Slim" and looking at him saucily over a port and lemon. At this point, I went into the kitchen to work out what to have for dinner.



Martin fakes a stomach bug (oldest trick in the book) and Mo believes him. I decide on home-made pesto and papardelle. Hard faced girl sneaks in and they get jiggy on the sofa. Only Mo comes back to give him some kaolin and morphine or something that the silent shop girl in the MInute Mart indicated with a nod, and finds Hard Faced girl sitting on Martin's face. Oh no!



"Never mind that," I hear you cry. "What about DC Steven being the Son of Satan (aka Nick Berry)?". Well, DC Steven has looked up New Zealand in the atlas and reckons he could drop in to Auckland on his way to the pit of eternal damnation (turn left at Wainuimata). He does the only true kid thing that he has ever done, and starts badgering everybody for a ticket to NZ like all grown-ups are made of money or something. Ian consigns Pat back to the plot cupboard with DC Steven, and off they go to NZ."



"Alright, then," you say. "What about Fill and Squeaky? Is she dead or what?"



Having gone on to Moomin about how busy they are, the polis spend the entire day stalking Fill and gunning their Ford Mondeo motor ominously outside his house. Fill despatches Babs and Nanny "up West" for the day while he tells Marcus the brief that Squeaky was a suicidal nutter, no honest. Later, when Nanny is making Mini Fill ready for the pub quiz (she's not even 18 months yet, fer chrissakes!), she discovers the horrid snowdome with a Squeaky pic and gives it to Mini Fill to play with.Later, at Fool Moon's nailing-up-of-the-licence ceremony, the polis get bored with harassing Fill. As they wander off to find someone else to annoy, Fill discovers the Squeakydome and goes beserk at Nanny. Sonia uses her Moomin powers to draw the police back just in time to see Fill crack up. Duuuhduh duh duh!



NEWSFLASH: Glimpsed in Smith's on the way to work. A soap mag cover featuring Slutty and Dr Perv and the cover line: "Love or Lust". Our "Say Hello To Daddy, Zoe" scenario draws ever closer...