This is a slightly cheaty update, in that neither Mark nor I saw 'Stenders last night (see excuse below), but that doesn't stop us from making it all up, based on the BBC's update pages.

Fill searches high and low for Lisa's passport, but it is nowhere to be seen. Babs calls in Creepy Marcus to draw up a complaint for wrongful arrest. Fill is having none of it. Babs 'fesses up about burning the passport (I'm sure that's an offence) and Fill goes outside to scrub the "Murderer" graffiti off his front wall (Tcha! what is this? Brookside?)

Simpleton is mean to a very hungover Ian and goes off to buy maternity clothes because she's pregnant, you know. Ian nips over to the pub to tell Fool to keep schtum about Simpleton's attempts to out-slut Slutty.

Meanwhile the Slaters are giving Slutty a hard time over her man-less state because everybody knows that an unattached EE woman in her 30s must either be a serial killer or a witch and therefore be ceremonially burned on Loser's Bench. Fool uses his non-comedy subplotness to set her up with Dr Perv. Slutty is confused.

Rickay won't let AG take a long lunch break to buy Sullen an anniversary present. So it'll be another piece of old tat from the market and a touching speech about love and faithfulness then, will it?

The real non-comedy subplot 1: Nana Moon goes a-wandering around the square doing her dotty old dear act. I'm waiting for her to call Martin "Foxy".

Real non-comedy subplot 2: Jim drinks loads of energy drinks and gets a caffeine overload. Oh my sides.

Moomin sees Fill in the Vic and starts screaming "Meerdererrrr" at the top of her lungs. Babs leaps to Fill's defence and shakes her wig threateningly at Moomin. Fill leaves the pub.

NB: The rumour mill says that Simpleton's freak genetic experiment baby is a combination of Simpleton's and AG's DNA - eeeeek! It'll be a baby Denis Waterman!