HEAVEN KNOWS TEEN'S MISERABLE NOW
Those of you with eagle eyes will have noticed a little disclaimer at the end of tonight's credits that absolved the BBC of any responsibility for returning the hour that most people had just squandered watching Eastenders' answer to Alexis and Krystle battling over the Queen Vic. Never has so much time been wasted by so few. Except maybe by Emmerdale viewers.

Big Mo dragoons the entire family into redecorating the Slater living room in some wallpaper she got cheap from an Indian restaurant. JoJo tries to help but gets bored with everybody fussing around Teen. Teen looks tragic and mumbles about sorting out the flat. That is if the landperson hasn't changed the locks already, dear. JoJo feels left out until Drippy and Fool deliver homilies about belonging and family and buy her chips.

Billy and Drippy exchange awkward conversation. Billy hasn't shaved for a bit, and looks quite good on it. Ethan the shop assistant is sick of covering for Billy's unexplained absences, and takes a sickie. Billy gets thrown out of the club for wearing a brown jacket or something.

Adull/Martina...he's still not bringing her flowers or singing lovesongs. But he does want them to get their own place. Martina: worried.

PantoJane can't cope with kids messing up the place and forgetting their PE kits or hating netball. Pat reminds her that the alternative is pretty grim too. Ian apologises for having devil children.

Sham's had her hair done in a Lethal Blonde style and is wearing that grim reaper coat that makes her look quite tall. Or maybe she's standing on a hobbit's shoulders and we can't see. Anyway, she stalks LadyDen, reminding her that time's running out and she's going to go to the polis very very soon. EE scriptwriters like to get characters to say "tick tock..." to denote time ticking away....it's irritating. In the pub Sham talks in a loud voice about cellars, and O-Den being the foundation of the Queen Vic (quite literally) etc. LD gets cross, drags her into the back behind a magic curtain that stops the punters from overhearing her offer Sham half the pub now, and the rest of it in instalments over the next six months. So how does that work, Sham gives LadyDen a fiver each week and sticks a flourescent dot on the bits that she's bought, or what? LadyDen says she can't stay here, with Den's body about to seep evil smelling fluid all over the cellar, and she wants to go back to Spain.

DI Cheferton calls Sham to discuss the coroner's verdict. Sham asks him to meet her in the pub. LadyDen is spooked. The verdict on Byrite's death is something inconclusive, and Sham tries to look sad as she says: "Ooh...I inherit everything I suppose. Yay for me!"

Curly mopes about being angry (grr) because even his shirtless form can't get a smile out of Sham, who tells him to get lost. Lee: cross. Hauls Curly into Tony Bennet's Lexus (Lexus? where's the Aston?), and makes like he's in Peckham High St with the dangerous driving. They get to the Bridge of Dies, still shouting, but only because that's the only way you can make yourself heard when you're standing 40 feet about the Blackwall Tunnel approach. Shouty shouty...this is where Byrite died...in cold blood...pushed by Tony...blah. Curly cries and cuddles Lee. Where are the gobby, chicken-chomping youths of Blackheath comp when you need them?

Speaking of muggings, Gay Pike gets fed up with the bickering chez Fowler and stomps out for a walk. Someone who looks suspiciously like Curly in a hooded top tries to mug him, but is thwarted by MMartin. Gay Pike insists that he's OK, but everybody exchanges "he's crying inside" looks. Poline tries to blame Tony's club for attracting the wrong sort. Pike eventually breaks down and holds Poline's hand while she tells him that he's part of her family and will never escape...Moomin and Martin are upstairs with a TV they got off Dot. Long story. Too boring.

In her quiet moments away from Sham, LadyDen contemplates a postcard from Spain and sighs about the sun, the food, the cheap beer, but tells Rosie that she wants to stay in the East End. Rosie Klebb sighs and wonders if the card would make a good sandwich. Victorian benefactress LadyDen lets her take the leftover ploughmans lunches for her starving children (so do EE producers have any idea how the welfare state works? Answers on a postcard...). Rosie Klebb tells Sham that LadyDen wants to stay. Sham: cross.

Rosie doesn't make Mickney pay for his keep. Wha??? when I were a girl...Mickney hides money in her washing so that she can buy Darren his Coco Pops and doesn't have to beg for scraps from the pub. Or shop at Netto. Keef finally decides to go for this interview at the job centre. Like it will stop her shrieking.

LadyDen packs O-Den's clothes into bin bags and throws them out in the street, narrowly missing Rosie, who immediately starts rifling through them. Have some pride, woman. LadyDen weeps and tells the world that O-Den has left her for Dagenham Dave's pregnant daughter or something. Pat's earrings twirl suspiciously but she ignores the signals. LadyDen gets a chance to talk about hussies who throw themselves at elderly lotharios and get themselves pregnant. Teen gets hysterical, and Sham has to use all her Jedi skills to calm her down. LadyDen then tells everybody that Sham is her best friend evah, and helped her deal with O-Den when she heard the news. Sham plays along with her, but even Betty the dog can see she doesn't mean a word of it. As LadyDen is locking up, Sham pops up from behind the bar and says that she won't rest until the Mitchell name is back where it belongs. LadyDen grabs her by the hair and throws her out. Kick ass, LadyDen!