SHALLOW, DULL AND PROFOUNDLY DEPRESSING
They really are ripping up the original post-DeadDen scripts and rewriting them based on ideas found in the toilets of selected Elstree hostelries, aren't they? Well, the word on the walls of the Ferret and Clapperboard is that we need some non-comedy shenanigans with Dot, Jim and a hi-tech burglar alarm. It wakes up the whole square, and Poline is cross when Dot says she can't leave the house in case she walks across a motion sensor and sets it off again. Big Mo sees a big removal van backing up to Tony Bennet's new house, and decides that means he's loaded. Umm..Mo, it's a removal van, they're all that big. Just because he can't fit his entire world into the back of a 1975 Hackney carriage doesn't mean he's Alan Bloody Sugar, ferchrissakes. She takes a bag of sugar round to Tony's and noses around his stuff. Tony's busy looking sentimentally at a picture of a blonde JoJo-a-like to notice that the door was on the latch. Look mate, I know you're a big time pimp gangsta, but...you're supposed to be a Londoner, remember? This is what happens when you hire scriptwriters who live in a place where locks are considered the Work of the Horned One (NB: Grace, "Lucifer" or "Beelzebub" might be good substitutions here).

Sham's evil twin has been shopping. She learns that it's LadyDen's birthday and "accidentally" lets slip about the big surprise party that Lee is planning for her. LadyDen looks quizzically at Lee, who is enjoying being Tony's Quentin because it lets him sit around a lot and plan parties for murdering pub landladies. Teen says that Sham and LadyDen are both sick and sad, and she's had enough of them. Her spine must have grown magically overnight.

Teen advises Kareena that if Mickney is still angry over the cocaine thing, then "maybe it's not to be". Well, thank you Claire Rayner.

Billy and Curly are helping Pat to move her tat over to the new house. Billy and Pat bond over a cup of tea, and Pat mumbles something about being old and alone. She also warns Billy about Tony. Billy looks nervous. Later Tony asks him to check up on the Ferreirazz and I have to answer the phone, so I don't see exactly what happens, but whatever it is, it's bad. Billy doesn't say anything to Tony, but Scalliq confesses anyway. Tony marches over to the Ferreirazz and we're all set for a major machine-gun rampage with razor-wielding ninja kittens and everything...oh. Tony tells Billy to work out a repayment plan for all the stolen petrol and tyre wear, then he admires Scalliq's suit - which must be really smelly now that he's been wearing nothing else for a month. Billy twitches, then Tony tells him not to believe everything Pat says about him. NB: I actually wrote Byrite in that last sentence, because that was such a Byrite thing to do.

Ian's worried about Devil Child Lucy and JoJo. PantoJane asks DCL what's wrong and DCL admits that her new diamondique earrings came from JoJo's fake mugging profits. Whatevah.

So anyway, in the pub, Poline's casting hacky looks over at Tony, which is EE producer-speak for "The Evil Witch hates him: therefore he is Good. Well, this week anyway". Tony is busy buying drinks for all and buttering up Dot with apt quotations from the Bible. You wouldn't get round my gran that easily, mate. He tells Lee not to go around frightening small children and old ladies with tales of Tony's hardness: Byrite had to go, but now that life is behind him. Lee looks sceptical.

Meanwhile, another lady with a demiwave accosts Tony, and they go off to embrace secretly in Pat's old gaffe. I think Tony is moving Demiwave into the old bedsits, and she's going to redecorate the house, but their love must remain secret because that's how it has always been or something. Tony looks a bit wistful when he does the duplicity-over-the-shoulder thing.