WHINEY BLONDERAMA
Sham starts this Friday night's excitement by whining to Minty about him deserting her for a manly flatshare with AGarry. The scales have truly fallen from Minty's eyes when he mutters that Sham's blonde enough to get some other mug to look after her before long. AGarry is steeling himself for desertion when Minty saunters into work, but is soon dreaming of long nights in front of the telly with Minty by his side.

Curly isn't blonde, but he sure is wet. Instead of getting himself down the jobcentre, he's trailing around after Tony Bennet - not difficult, even Tony Soprano doesn't spend this much time hanging out so many low-rent dives as TB - begging for his bouncer's job back. TB eventually caves in, and Curly promises not to screw up this time. TB's face says: "yeah yeah..."

JoJo and Rainman go over to the Kwik-E-Mart and 'fess up to the fake mugging. Yolande sucks her teeth silently and storms off, but TriniDad sees an opportunity for some good old-fashioned Dickensian child labour, and sets her to cleaning out the drains with a toothbrush.

LadyDen's hair is practically Farah Fawcett, and her mind is almost as far gone. She gets a necklace in the post that turns out to be a BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM THE GRAVE off O-Den, and goes a bit twittery when Lee tries to undo the clasp. Sham notices that she's even twitchier than usual, and is less bothered than she should be when LadyDen offers her a partnership in the Vic so that she can bleed it dry through sheer stupidity rather than getting LadyDen to put in all the hard work. Mr P and I started speculating on the possibility of a Lezzer Black Widow plot, where Sham lures rich old geezers upstairs with the promise of hot girl on girl action, and the cellar floor gets raised by six inches every few months...

I've been reading too much Sarah Waters...

Oh yes, Martina dumps Adull after some stuff involving a toy snake. Adull's too good for this crap anyway. M then picks Billy up, and they get it on, then both say it's a big mistake. The end. Bye Martina.

While JoJo is engaged in Dickensian Child Labour, a girl dressed in posh school uniform and looking uncannily like a very young Davy Jones of Monkees fame (ask your parents, kiddies). Davetta wanders around the square, then is shocked when she sees the nightclub sign, and nearly gets run down by TWIWAN's taxi. TWIWAN doesn't recognise her boyfriend's kid, so that's Important, isn't it? JoJo takes little Davetta under her wing, and tries to find out why she threw a wobbler, but Davetta legs it into the streets. Curly turns her away from the club (insert lame joke about School Disco here), and she sends a text message while backing away...into the arms of The Hooded Claw! Oh alright then, it was the only mugger in East London, after her cameraphone, apparently. Curly saves her, and finds out that wee Davetta is in fact Tony Bennet's daughter. And she's probably called Scarlett, or her mum was, or her dad has a secret thing for Vivien Leigh...oh, I dunno. Neither do I care much. TB receives a text message, but doesn't know what to do with it.

Moomin and Martin decide to have a night out, and bring Mickney and Kareena together. While the Moomins are getting jiggy in the toilets, Mickney and Kareena drink copious amounts and Kareena is sick in front of TB. Mickney takes her home. Moomin and Martin go home, and Moomin gets an irresistable urge to read the paper where she discovers that Moominbaby's adopted parents have both died in a car crash. What are the chances of that happening, eh?