ASHES TO ASHES/FUNK TO FUNKY/ WE KNOW KAREENA'S A JUNKY
Pat is resplendent in full on funereal black, with special jet and goldique earrings. They must be plastic. If they weren't her lobes would be down by her shoulders. She's cross that nobody will come to Byrite's funeral - I'm not surprised, there's no free food afterwards. Not even an Iceland sausage roll and a tin of shandy. Sham catches her going into Casa Mitchell and gives her a hard time about Byrite conning her out of her house and home etc. Pat tries to talk some sense into her, but Sham suddenly remembers exactly who was responsible for said conning out of house/home blah and goes to extort some money out of LadyDen. LadyDen's hair is unravelling, and she's busy trying to keep Drippy in line and tell her that Billy is still barred...yes barred, Drippy, now stop whining and get on with serving those poor thirsty punters.

Speaking of whining, Curly - and I don't care if he is cuter now that he's gay IRL, he's still annoying - does lots of "but I'm your boyfrieeend..." type moaning at Sham, who looks bored until he says that he copped off with another woman and she really enjoyed it. Well, it was Martina, and she has been living with Adull for a while. Curly gets the brush-off from Sham, and then from Martina, who is feeling guilty after Adull bought her some horrible spangly earrings.

Minty and AGarry decide to go a "totty hunt", and do that thing where they hit each other and laugh merrily to show how manly they are. Sham turns up and whines about Curly's loathsome lothario ways. Minty looks non-committal. Sham asks him if he fancies a drink, but Minty says that he's already got plans with AGarry. Then he invites her along too. AGarry is not impressed, and tells Sham that no girls are allowed, so she'd better find something else to do, like practise her singing or something. AGarry and Minty nearly cop off with two extras in the pub, but something happens while I'm on the phone to my mum. Maybe the two extras thought they looked too gay. Sham, meanwhile goes to a nightclub that is decorated a bit like my nan's living room in Rayleigh and sadly drinks her solitary drink.

Poverty Central at the Dolescums where Baby Aleesha is being forced into terry nappies (ew). Demi tries to get some cheap secondhand disposables off Mo, but Rosie Klebb storms over to Mo's and shouts at her. Then somehow she finds the money to pay Kwik-E-Mart prices for weird disposable Euronappies that are probably made out of uranium and cost twice what a decent pack of Huggies would fetch in Sainsbury's. Rosie nearly gets away with paying for only three packs, but then gets a "We're poor, but honest..." cob on and returns the fourth pack. Fascinating.

Poline and Gay Pike ask LadyDen for the doggie doorstop. LadyDen goes: "oooh yes, I'll just get it...in a minute...no, busy now...ummm...sorry". Lee has been given the job of sitting at the bar and looking at LadyDen for the day. He helps her change a barrel, and LadyDen says: "Careful! That's my hu...best new concrete floor you're messing up there!

Juley sells Kareena a tenner's worth of cocaine. She takes it. Mickney gets suspicious at her "extrovert behaviour" and goes home.

Tony Bennett gives Pat a lift to Byrite's funeral, where they are the only mourners. Tony's got Classic FM on the car stereo, and he finally gets Pat to open up about the whereabouts of Wicksies 1 and 2. They wander about various locations, talking about Byrite and then my mother called, so I didn't quite get what they were on about. Tony says she liked Byrite because he was a no-good ratfink and she has a mother complex or whatever. Pat says in her scariest voice: "Never think that you know me!" Tony: "Know you? I used to own you!" Oooooh! Danger, Pat Evans! Her earrings nearly take her into orbit with their spinning.

Pat has a go at everyone in the Vic. It lasts about a second, and she leaves. Tony keeps on about Byrite until Pat's Goddess sense pieces the puzzle together. She accuses Tony of having something to do with Byrite's moider. Tony denies it, sort of. Pat asks him why he's back in the East End after having spent so many years pimping all over the world. Tony looks rattled, mumbles something about not needing a wife (not when you've got Quentin, I suppose) and slinks off. Oooh!