WISH I COULD BE LIKE DENNIS WATTS
Double recap today:

Ash has got a horse right here (its name is Paul Revere), and it's going to solve all their problems. He fondles the cash takings (hey guys... ever heard of banks?) and spends hours standing outside the bookies', twitching. Adull finds him, fails to put two and two together (why else would anybody buy the Daily Mail if it wasn't for the racing?), and announces that he has made a grand from selling Dadvis's rhinestone suit and Elvis crap. There's more stuff about Kareena and The Ferreira Emerald of Destiny...anyway, Ash doesn't put the money on Paul Revere so everything is fine. Next.

Den's doing girly running around the square. Backstreet joins him for a second to talk about getting fit.

ODen has found a doxy to spend the night with, and gets the Watts women all worried about his whereabouts. He breezes in with an armful of architecty-looking documents (that was quick), and tries to change the subject. Shazz insists that she's staying with Denman, no matter what, and ODen tries the old looney...long line of loonies...argument again. It doesn't work. ODen calls Byrite to offer him the door/drugs franchise if he promises to keep Denman out of Walford. Byrite tells Denman that he will be a roving headcrusher from now on, and starts making arrangements for him to go and beat up some Scottish people. Shazz finds out and tells ODen that she's moving in with Den. If you're wondering what Dot has to say about this, wonder no more. She finds Jim and Shazza dancing in the kitchen and her face puckers up like Lou Reed's when somebody asks him about his smack habit. Denman and Shazza offer to move out to the B&B asap, before finding a flat in Epping. I would have thought a tiny village in Norfolk would be more to their liking.

Dot runs off to find Den, quotes several Bible passages at him (no time to check them out...sorry), and tells him to save his family before it's too late. Den makes another Lou Reed-type face and looks "thoughtful".

Another person doing a lot of "thoughtful" is Slutty. She sees Fool trying to flog his ghastly 80s two-colour leather jacket and a couple of less hideous-than-usual shirts to Kellay, who buys the shirts out of charity. Then she sees him trying to flog his Barron Knights vinyl collection to a bemused DJ Ross. Sham says something about Fool being jealous about Byrite taking her to a posh Dublin hotel. Well, what really happened is that Byrite presented Sham with said weekend, and then told Fool that he was going to pay for it with this week's loan payment which is now due...ummm...now. So, Fool is panicking. Slutty thinks it's because he can't afford a faaancy weekend in Dublin (overrated, if you ask me), so she uses his loan money to buy the shirts back off Kellay. Fool goes "D'oh!" and tries to explain to Byrite. Byrite books him a headcrushing appointment with Denman, and exits, laughing demonically. Really, the man is about as menacing as a goldfish. At least Goldie looked a tiny bit hard, and yes I am talking about the Blue Peter dog.

He's not laughing for long because ODen says he's had a rethink about the door/drugs contract, and the deal's off. Shazz and Denman are snogging in public again, so Byrite gets in a good sneer or two, and buggers off to Dublin (good riddance). ODen gets Denman on his own and apologises for getting him into trouble with Shazz. Denman is suspicious. You can tell he's suspicious because his eyes crinkle up. Eyes still crinkled, they talk some more, and ODen says that Denman doesn't really know what love is because he was fiddled as a child, so he's confusing sisterly love with naughty love in that mixed-up pretty head of his. ODen says he can stay and keep the family together, but only if he loves Shazza as a proper sister, and stops all this crypto-incest nonsense. Denman's entire face crumples quite adorably and he runs off to dump Shazz. Again.

Shazz: sad, but at least she doesn't have to find another job in a 1950s telephone exchange on ITV. And Denman gets to shag Teen. Vickney will be all confused, but there you go.

NC sub-plot. Pat and Mo give up on the diet and eat lard and crisps in the pub.

MMartin cooks a big dinner for Moomin to make up for sulking at her staying out at a party with her faaaancy college mates (Martin, they're NURSES! Get in there, you prat!). But Moomin can't eat it because she's on a diet. They talk about how this diet is the only thing that Moomin feels she has achieved for herself. Yeah, I went "eh?" too. Then Martin produces pudding: triple chocolate profiteroles with extra double cream.

Jim, Yolande and TriniDad persuade Dot to go on holiday to the EE Butlins (called "Jollies" - bet it took three script meetings to come up with that one). Gay Pike says those places are like Sodom and Gomorrah with zimmer frames and wheelchair access. Oh boy.

EDIT: Forgot to mention that Mickney gets sacked for "entertaining" a potential client at the arches overnight, and AGarry hires Charlie to replace him. However, the past few weeks have turned Charlie into Rain Man, and all he's good for is rearranging spanners. Whatever Mickney did for the client turns out to have worked. They get a big "taxi contract" and Mickney is rehired.