SIMPERS' BIG SMACKDOWN
Morning on the Square. Adull's got a stack of dodgy wallets to flog to unsuspecting punters, and Kareena gets a call from the building society bloke, who is in the area and wants to come and check up on them. He tells the Kidz that they've been so busy collecting the big payment cash that they've forgotten to make the monthly payment, and without that, they'd better call Centrepoint now. Adull's alone on the stall, which makes him easy prey for evil 1950s delinquents, who run off with his wallets. It's all down to Ash to make up the difference. I mean, DJ Ross did nothing but watch daytime TV for a fortnight, surely he could have got them to call one of those loan shark companies, or tripped Scalliq up in the street to get some compensation off the council instead of all this malarkey.

Simpleton tries to get some more work off Fool, but, mindful of the Curse of the Slaters, Fool promises to recommend her to any other East End pub, but not the Vic. A sniffy grey-haired bloke bumps into Simpers, then questions Fool about the type of cleaner he takes on. Oh no! It's a Benefit Fraud Nark! Anyway, Juhneen floats around looking evil all day, and trying to make Simpleton feel sad with nasty comments about money and Simpers' lack of it. Simpleton just sticks with the "at least I'm not a crack ho'" comments, which seem to work very nicely thank you.

Ian keeps bothering O-Den about asking Kyert out. O-Den tells him to shut up with the teenage whingeing and just ask her. Then he finds out who Ian's talking about, and tells him not to hold his breath. O-Den is cool again.

Tink takes Fool and Slutty out for lunch and a trip on the London Eye, leaving Backstreet in charge. Strangely, nothing chaotic happens, apart from Backstreet's attempts to impress Teen. Teen fantasises about Denman's manly shoulders while Backstreet flexes his bicep.

Byrite's looking for Araminta, when he sees him coming out of the caff with Sham. Somehow he guesses that Something Happened between Minty and Sham, and quizzes Sham. Sham says it was nothing. Minty apologises, and waits for Byrite's revenge. However, Byrite seems to have lost the key to his box of death-dealing winged monkeys ("Fly my pretties..."), and tells Araminta to go and drink in another pub instead. Oh for God's sake, Andy, act like a real gangster for once and cut his hand off with a pool cue or something. Jesus.

Ash, meanwhile, is reading Bad Brutha's racing form on the sly. BB gives him a tip for the 3.30 at Wincanton. Ash puts a whole month's wages on said tip, and it romps home (amazing). BB tries to persuade him to stay for the 5.30 race, but Ash controls his urges and goes home to slap the money on the table, thus saving The House of Ferreira. Oh joy.

Business Barbie Sham tells AGarry to sack Rain Man Charlie for being a Rain Man. AGarry tries to do it nicely, but then Sham steps in and sacks Rain Man for her. Charlie is angry with AGarry. Why? it was Sham wot sacked him...oh yes...sorry, he's stupid Daily Mail Island Man.

Snitty Dole Fraud Nark calls Simpleton in for an interrogation. She breaks down and admits to working at the Vic. Nark says she has to pay her money back, and a fine besides. Simpers is sad because it means she can't buy nice things for Little Simplet any more. She storms into the pub and accuses Fool of grassing her up. Fool denies everything and notices Juhneen in the corner, smiling evilly. Simpers screams and overacts like crazy. Juhneen says; "Yes I grassed you up! And I'm glad I did it! I'm going to ruin your life like you ruined mine...bwahahahahahah!" Class!