CRY (OH) GOD FOR FOOL, WALFORD AND ST GEORGE
So, Byrite wants £560 quid from Fool and Slutty before he takes Sham out to dinner at 6pm, or he gets to jump Slutty's bones or Fool dies or something. Slutty tries to talk him round, but he just licks his lips lasciviously and twirls his moustache. Then a plot contrivance that a few months ago would have been called lame, but after the Ferreiras anything is possible, appears. Mickney and Mo are unsuccessfully trying to flog red rose badges in the market "for St Georges' Day". No, really, bear with me on this one. It gets worse. Fool uses some of the Byrite money to buy the roses off Mickney and Mo, and stages a full-on St Georges' Day celebration in the Vic. Slutty shouts at him for being a Fool. But undaunted, he drapes himself in the England flag and goes off on a stream of word association: "steak and kidney pie...eels and mash...Jonny Wilkinson...three lions on the shirt...Jules Rimet still gleaming..." that hypnotises the regulars into buy hundreds of duff red rose badges and drinking cider.

Meanwhile Andy tells Araminta to keep Sham occupied for the day. Byrite's supposed to be taking her out shopping, but he decides to do a bit of moustache-twirling at home instead, so he give Mints a wodge of cash and tells him to show Sham a good time. Araminta says to Sham: "Enough of that faaancy shopping malarkey. Let's go and eat chips and drink cider in the park like tramps!" Sham gleefully agrees, and they go off to the Park of Contrivance to discuss relationships and shout incoherently at passers-by.

Scalliq and DJ Ross nervously approach Big Bad O-Den for a gig at the newly revamped club. O-Den is in a bad mood and is eating decorators for breakfast. Scalliq says: "But we looked after Vickney while your other two children were shagging each others' brains out", and gets a free trial gig on the opening night.

St Georges' Day in the Vic is hotting up. Fool's Paul McKenna-like hypnotic powers even get the punter drinking duff cider from the darkest depths of the cellar and singing "Land of Hope and Glory". I feel sick, and it's not the cider. Sham and Araminta look on approvingly and drink more cider. Maybe the park keeper threw them out or something. Sham reveals that her ideal relationship involves a fitted kitchen. Hmmm...a psychotherapist would have a field day with that one.

Slutty says; "but we're a huge wodge of cash short!" in front of Araminta. Araminta remembers his wodge from Byrite and throws it into the Moon's biscuit tin. Later he tries to kiss Sham, and runs away when it all goes horribly wrong.

Slutty and Fool go over to Andy's bearing the Biscuit Tin of Destiny. Andy taunts them, Slutty hands over the cash, and the Moons scarper. They then do a Moon victory dance and snog publicly in MacArfur Park.

Mark went all Victorian in his final moments and requested a full-on family will-reading, with Ian, Shazza and AGarry in attendance. He divided his money up between several AIDS charities, then he gave Vickney, Martin, Ian and Poline £5K each. Like Ian needs it (go Simpers! Grab it!) . Poline is ordered to spend it on herself and having a good time. The cardigan shops of London prepare their tills for a shopping spree. Shazza gets his record collection (woo hoo), and AGarry gets the bike with the proviso that he treats it better than he treats his women. Martin seems OK with this, the fool. Poline looks sad, but then everybody decides to go to the pub to toast Mark's memory. She looks lovingly at a publicity photo from his Tucker's Luck days (ahhh! wasn't he cuuute), and waves goodbye. Look Pol, he's in a better place: with Irene and Michael Rose and assorted Hollyoaks rejects at Sun Hill.