TAXI DRIVER
All the Slaters sit around and practise their "shock and awe" reaction shots while Drippy recounts the sad story of her rape/baby/love rat Billy heartbreak. Slutty is wearing serious, pale make up for the occassion. Everyone says she should get an abortion so Drippy shouts at them to listen to her for once and then goes to hide in her room. The others are still discussing it when Teen (still wearing that nasty pink, velourette J-Lo style track suit) comes in and asks what is the difference between Slutty/Teen and Drippy/Grahamlet. Slutty says it is different, don't ask why - it just is. Teen says she would rather risk having her bean flicked by Kellay than listen to this bollocks any more and hobbles off home. Meanwhile, Charlie is racked with guilt after finding out that the rapist is his new mate Graham.

Kareena asks Scalliq out for a coffee and says she wants to get back together with him. Scalliq says he loves her "like a sister" - more like a sister-in-law when he is married to DJ Ross - and stomps off. Kareena is sad and goes off to live with Maddhur for a buit, but not before squealing "He didn't want me!" to DJ Ross.

Juhneen fakes a panic attack and recruits Rickay to be her idiot sidekick. She whines that Pat'n'Nat are persecuting her so Rickay goes and shouts at them. Nat is still wearing her Girl Detective leather jacket and looks like she is about 12. she has got the Procurator Fiscal on speed dial and keeps ringing every five minutes to see if they are going to arrest Juhneen. It is Jack's birthday so Pat organises a party and rickay invites Juhneen, even though Nat doesn't want her there. Juhneen shows up and gives Jack one of Baz's retarded model cards. Nat makes "Bah!" type faces. They all start joking about Baz's fondness for cakes and Juhneen gets a bit carried away and starts telling all these stories where she mocked Baz for being a fat pig. All the other stare at her with expressions of exaggerated horror on their faces. Juhneen tries to save face by going on about Barry would have thought it was funny, but Nat makes a really spiteful face and says "I don't want her here any more". Oooo, how made you the queen of the caff?

Teen flinches really obviously whenever Kellay gets too close to her so in the end Kellay shouts at her and tells her to git ovah her self. Word, Kellay.

Billy mopes around and is recruited by Sham into the "We hate Kyert" club. She says Billy can stay with her and sleep in the nursery. He has to dismantle the crib for added poignant-ness (is that a word? I doubt it). Charlie comes round and they argue about who has been worse at protecting Drippy from Bad Men. I think they both win that one. Charlie's voice goes up about three actaves while he bemoans poor Drippy's fate. Could this be the return of Death Wish Charlie Slater Action Hero? Later he is seen glowering into space with an "I'm going to wash the scum off the streets like rain, man" expression on his face, so I am thinking yes. He drives over to Graham's manor and offers him a lift home from the pub. Once Graham is in the car, Charlie uses the Cabbie Doorlocks of Doom and shuts the glass screen thing. Graham starts banging his little hands on the glass but there is no escape from licensed taxi driver vigilantes! Just ask Harvey Keitel. Charlie makes a sinister face and drives Graham away for his offscreen beating.