THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF EVANS PART III: DOUBLE JUHNEENITY
Thank god the outside broadcast budget ran out. We're back in the Square, and the Muppets' relatives are making preparations for the return of their offspring. Nat bursts into the caff and tearfully tells half the square - who, as usual, haven't actually found their kitchens to make their own breakfast and are in the caff instead - that Bazza is dead...DEAD! She had to ring the hotel, who told her the news. Rickay goes off to look for Juhneen, while everybody else goes to wake up Bad Brutha and get the story off him.

Meanwhile, at the Slaters, Gangsta Barbie Sham has muscled her way past Big Mo and is haranguing Billy about doing a membership drive for the snooker club. Apparently too many losers are coming in, playing a few frames, and leaving again. Umm...I thought that's what snooker clubs were for, Sham. Anyway, she summons Billy over to the Mitchell's for a "brainstorming session" - that'll be a short one.

Drippy gets a call from the Special Clinic, and has to go in. Billy is worried that Graham has given her "something". And they've been sharing toilet seats and all. He gets himself some leaflets on HIV and frets some more. Drippy goes to the Special Clinic, where they tell her that Graham's seed has fruited in her womb. For once, there isn't any faffing around and none of that interrupting business. Drippy says: "I'm pregnant. And I'm keeping it". Billy looks sad.

Bad Brutha is all tearful and guilt-ridden - signified by the number of times he looks at Barry's "Little Star" watch-present. For fuck's sake BB, it wasn't even meant for you but for the stupid sprog., He manages to keep Juhneen out of the Bazza death fall story. Nat looks mildly sceptical, and they go to get Juhneen's side of the tale. Oh this will be good.

While Bad Brutha is emoting in the horrible B&B living room, Juhneen, clad in full Black Widow shades, heels, and poloneck, steps out of a cab, carrying a large mysterious bag. She finds Rickay's flowers and sympathy card on the doorstep and does an evil smile. Once inside the house, she cancels the rest of the Christmas and going "eeek! brrr!" every time she finds a picture of Bazza.

Nat and Pat turn up, and Juhneen acts her little socks off, telling them about the Santa/Telly/Welly/Jelly poem; how Bazza must have tripped while picking flowers and definitely not while trying to show his forgiveness for Juhneen's scheming ho'ness; and how Bazza was found by BB and the Scots Stereotype/Folk Legend chap. "If only I had been there to tie his shoelaces!" she wails. "If only he had worn slip-on shoes!" <-- NB: this was a Tempranillo through the nose moment for all at the Sladey dinner table.

Nat and Pat's faces are templates of polite scepticism throughout. Nat asks Juhneen why she didn't call her, and Juhneen tearfully claims that she was under sedation and couldn't even speak, let alone use a phone. Talk moves to the funeral arrangements and giving Bazza a good old East End send off. But Juhneen has other plans. She produces an extra large urn from the mystery carrier bag and says: "there he is. That's Barry". More Tempranillo/sinus exchange...

The Muppets all stride through the market like the Magnificent Seven - well, the Rather Pathetic Seven plus Dog. Teen is still in hospital in Scotland and Kellay's helping to keep her bed warm. One by one, they all peel off to meet their families, and poor little Scalliq is left alone and friendless again.

In the Vic, Sham and Araminta notice that Kyert appears to have acquired Slater myerts, and glower like the spiteful witches who used to sit at the front of your form room and bitch about the rest of the class. DJ Ross tells Scalliq: "Stop stalking me, you big gay weirdo", and Scalliq is sad. Poor Saint Hero MY Gus is feted in the Vic with a Bonnie Tyler tape and kisses from assorted Slater women. No wonder he looks embarrassed. Fool and Slutty congratulate him some more, and then Fool points to a pile of uneaten pies and reminds them all that Bazza is no more. He proposes a toast to Bazza's memory just as Bad Brutha walks in. Bad Brutha screams: "Nooooooooooooooooooo!! Never shake thy hoary locks at me!!!" and runs off...