SLATER VS SLATER
Oh God this episode is going to be unbearable to recap - nothing funny happens and it is just non stop whining and snivelling.

takes deep breath, goes to fetch alcoholic beverage

First of all let's get all the trivial shit out of the way. Sham flirts annoyingly with Byrite Andy under the guise of "going to check the books" - which actually are kept in books; how quaint. Shazza ventures into the burnt out club for the first time and is shocked at the "devastation" - ie. someone has knocked all the chairs over and sprayed everything black. She flaunts her architect/bold redevelopment plans in Sham's face but later finds out that the insurance company might not pay out. Juhneen keeps sniffing round Bad Brutha and is rebuffed. She suggests that Rickay and Liam move into the house with her. Sham is nice to Billy and says he should have told her. Billy sings a few verses of "If I could turn back time" - but without drsssing like a ho and straddling a giant naval cannon. Sadly.

Basically though this is All Slaters: All the Time. Charlie gets a letter saying that Graham is going to sue his ass for beating him up. Charlie starts bellowing self righteously until it is pointed out that if you a) beat someone up and b) plead guilty then you are basically fucked. Charlie seems to find this a big shock. How this man survived to the age of 60 and fathered 18 annoying loud daughters is a mystery. I bet Darwin is spinning in his grave. Drippy thinks that it is all her fault. She wants to go to work to avoid overhearing all the Slaters trying to talk each other into talking her into having an abortion. Outside, everyone stares at her and nudges each other. Gossip-o-rama. Drippy hunches her shoulders and tries to hide beneath her unfeasibly large hair. At the pub, Fool gives her non-work to do upstairs. When she comes down she runs into Charlie and has to listen to him pissing and moaning about the way that vigilante thugs are so ill-served by the criminal justice system. Slutty gets Drippy on her own and lectures her for hours about how if Drippy has the baby she will ruin everyones life - everyone will gossip and tease the kid, all the Slaters will resent it for the suffering it has caused, Billy will never love her again, the kid will probably turn out to have satanic powers and usher the world into a fiery apocalype etc etc. Aaargh! Who is this frosty mama and what has she done with the real Slutty? Drippy makes "mummy, make the scary lady go away" faces
and then runs off. Teen crutches after her and says she will stand up for Drippy. Drippy whimpers that she isn't strong enough. She gets out the phone book (to call her agent, no doubt) and books an apointment at an abortion clinic. Once she has gone, Teen crutches off to Billy (crutch Teen! crutch!) and tells him that he has to stop her. Billy falls for her non-logic and dashes off.

At the clinic, Drippy chats to various friendly, ethnically diverse staff and is about to have her consultation when Billy arrives and asks if they can talk. He says he doesn't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. They whinge on for fucking hours about how they still wuv each other until Graham came along and messed ity up. They go "You're my hero!" "No, you're my hero!" until Bill confesses that he torched tha Den because he had angst etc. Drippy says it is her fault for being weak. Or something. I don't care. They are acting their little socks off and I am thinking "Mo has got very blue eyes." In the end Billy gets Drippy to admit that she doesn't want to have the abortion. Drippy says she will move far away so she can have the kid without everyone gossipping etc. Billy asks her to stay and they can get back together but Drippy gets him to admit that he can't love the kid and says she is definitely going - first to Belinda's and then - who knows? A handy Taxi of Finality shows up and Drippy gets in, after her and Billy stroke each other's faces and whimper for three more hours - the Taxi drives off and Billy cries.