SHAMMER TIME
Charlie's lawyer drags him out of the cop shop while Charlie squeals self righteously about how dare they treat him like a criminal just because he beat the fuck out of ol' Graham. I don't know where Charlie has been living the last 60 yrs (Daily Mail Island?) but he seems to lack even the most basic knowledge of the UK criminal justice system. At home he whines to the gels about how it isn't fair that he was arrested for vigilante asskicking, and what's more the lawyer wouldn't even let him tell the cops he wanted to kill Graham! It's political correctness gone mad! All the Slaters tell Charlie to plead not guilty and to say that Graham started it as they don't think he could cope with life in the Big House. Charlie says "You're confusing me!" Oh for fucks sake. This plot is lame, lame, lame. Drippy offers him moral support. In the end he goes to court and pleads GUILTY, while Drippy smiles beatifically - maybe she is imagining her dad enjoying some rear end action in the showers of HMP Lakeland Plastics.

Vickney has nothing to do at the club so she goes Up West. Shazza is worried that maybe the bus will inexplicably end up in a desolate wasteland (Stratford?) and crash but Vickney gets back safe and sound. Phew! Shazz and Denman decide to give her more responsibility so Vickney runs off and buys some hooky liquor off Mickey Finhead.

Kellay enjoys a night of pleasure with her new geezer who looks a) like he is about 12, and b) like the bastard offspring of Austin Powers and Jarvis Cocker. Teen wants to talk about Sapphic Issues but Kellay says "No, didn't you see my new man? I like COCK, don't you know?" Teen rolls her eyes and keeps begging Kellay for a proper talk. Kellay acts like a right bitch all day and keeps going on about her next date with Jarv-tin but then she sees him flirting with some other young filly. Kellay is sad.

Martin copes with a visit to the stall from trading standards so Moomin rewards him with a quick game of tonsil hockey. Gus spots them and looks troubled.

Ethel 2.0 is packed off to Cromer. What has she done to deserve that? She says that a) the place must be tidy when she returns and b) Spencer must eat properly while she is away. I sense a non-comedy subplot on the horizon.

Moronic Henchman Rickay has another go at Nat about how Juhneen is sad, honest! They have their lame shrub planting ceremony (next to Losers Bench - how appropriate) and Juhneen shows up and asks if she can put a pressed flower next to the shrub. Nat says that Juhneen is transparent and totally up to no good. Juhneen is sad (or is she?). Later on, Nat spots Juhneen having a private "pressed flower placing " ceremony and looks a bit conflicted.

Kyert discovers that Sophisti-Kyerts is all smashed up and looks nausi-kyert-ed. She sees a big footprint on the floor and makes a resolute police lady face. Sham is gloating about how she has foiled Kyert (Sham is either suffering from some kind of mono-maniac mental illness or else seriously needs to get a hobby - maybe she could start collecting partworks or something. Free Binder! Awesome!) when Kyert shows up and says that she has the footprint as evidence and also a tape from the CCTV. She waves a videotape for emphasis. Sham asks what Kyert is going to do and Kyert says she either goes to the kops or else Sham can pay for the damage. Sham says she has no money so Kyert goes to the freezer, grabs the big wad o' cash and says "that will do nicely!" Later on Minty and Sham watch the "CCTV" video and see that it is just some crappy cartoon (why would a grown woman like Kyert tape cartoons?) Doh! Later on, Sham has trouble with the man who re-felted the snooker hall and has to save Minty from a beating when she can't pay him. She phones Babs ("Just to hear your voice" - she could always rent a Carry On film) but Babs brushes her off. Sham is sad. Denman mocks Sham in the Vic so she squeals mentalistically about family and then runs away. She tells Minty to set fire to the snooker hall so they can claim the insurance after all. He says that if he does that then Angies Den might burn too. Sham says "I know! Bwah hah hah!"