LIFE’S A RIOT WITH BLONDE VS BLONDE
Billy’s still sleeping downstairs and sulking about Drippy's Choice. Sullen overhears them shouting and reports back to the other Slaters that it's something to do with babies. Billy storms off, suitcase in hand, to sulk some more at the caff. Sham finds him and invites him back to chez Mitchell to be her live-in poodle because Araminta obviously has a home to go to – though you wouldn’t know it, the way he follows Sham about.

Ethel 2.0 keeps walking in on Fool and Slutty smooching, and starts dreaming about being buried alive. She'll be packing her own bags for the Secure Home within the week, mark my words.

Kellay and Teen arrive back in the Square – apparently Charlie was too busy moving Slutty's gear out to give her a lift from Kings Cross. Maybe he was too excited about getting his own room at last. Teen acts like she has had total amnesia about the Highland Lezzer Non-Fling, and hobbles away from poor Kellay as fast as her crutches can carry her. Kellay is sad.

Slutty wants to make up for not rushing up North to Teen's side with a bag of clean underwear and some word search magazines by throwing a traditional Slater Fish and Chip night, when they buy a quintet of the Bealemeister's finest haddock suppers and eat them at home. Wow, these people know how to live, don't they? No wonder AGarry came crawling back.

After he has done his first job for Sham (dismantling Mini Fill's nursery – Drippy could probably do with that stuff, and that cot is far too small for a toddler anyway), Billy dumps Drippy because he’s not good enough to play father to the Grahamette, and all he deserves now is a life as Sham's bitch or something equally lame. Drippy goes back to the Slaters and tells them that she was raped and is now pregnant. Slutty glances significantly at Teen and everybody looks shocked.

SophistiKyert's nail bar has been really ineptly vandalised by somebody who couldn’t even be bothered to make up a graffiti tag or two. It looks a bit Jackson-Pollock-meets-Basquiat, actually. I'd keep it. But Kyert gets the bleach out and starts scrubbing while Sham and Araminta gloat bitchily. I'm starting to think that the scriptwriters think that East End gangsters really do carry on like a bunch of teenage schoolgirls. The Krays didn't really use violence - they just spread it about that Mad Frankie Fraser got crabs from sitting on a dirty radiator and anyway don't listen to him 'cos he's a slag. Later Sham finds out that Araminta is responsible for mucking up Kyert’s place and says ominously that it's time to stop the kids stuff. They're going to shout at Kyert in the street, and etch "Kyert iz a slagg - TRU" on tube windows instead.

Nat suspects that Juhneen isn't as grief-stricken as she says she is when she catches Juhneen dancing around to Ms Dynamitee-hee and chucking Barry’s tat into a big bin bag. Juhneen tries to bluff her way out of it with a load of guff about how Baz trusted her when nobody else did (yes, but he was an idiot), and then hands Nat a box containing an ancient game of Mousetrap and Nat's Red Plastic Basque of Adulterous Shame, along with assorted dreadful tacky gifts from Baz. Nat finds Baz's Telly/Welly/Juhneen Jelly wedding poem stuffed into the box and demands to know why Juhneen hasn't framed the damn thing and stuck it on her bedroom wall or under her pillow or buried it with the supersize urn or done something equally grief-worthy.

Later, Pat tries to persuade Nat that Juhneen isn't a heartless murdering ho, but Nat calls the Procurator Fiscal’s office in Scotland and says: "Hello, this is Barry Evans ex-wife. He was moidered!" Now, I’m sure the PF’s office has got plenty to do without dead sweaty Sassenachs' ex-wives demanding murder investigations because the current wife's a scheming ho, but look on the bright side: maybe we'll get that Nice John Hannah playing Inspector Rebus, eh?