LITTLE MO-PHIE'S CHOICE

Rickay comforts Juhneen, who acts all sad and tremulous and keeps pointing at Baz's jumbo barrel o' ash, but then turns on the radio and starts cooking bacon the moment he leaves - the hussy. Rickay happens to mention that Juhneen is "sorting out a few things" to Pat'n'Nat and they suck their teeth and exchange dubious glances. Later they visit her and ask if she has seen a solicitor. She instantly starts judging them for being all mercenary and obsessed with the will but then happens to mention that Baz was intestate (therefore she gets everything) and happens to drop the joint house deeds in their lap. Later on Nat' n'Pat sit on Losers Bench and Nat basically calls Juhneen a murderous witch. Nat has much improved hair at the moment, btw. Maybe Juhneen stole her crimpers as well as her son's FUTURE SECURITY!!!

Meanwhile, Yolande and TriniDad are babysitting Jack. When Bad Brutha sees, he gnaws his knuckles guiltily and then says he is going away for a few days.

Kyert finds that someone has glued the lock of the Nail-a-torium and goes mental. That happened to me once when I was due to go away the same day and I could have killed the little shit who did it with my bare hands. Anyway she goes and confronts Sham and they scream at each other in the middle of the market ("You're pathetic!" "No, you're pathetic!" etc). All the stallholders stand around chanting "catfight! catfight!" Sham denies it and Kyert stomps off. Sham goes and cries to Minta that she wants Kyert off the Squre etc etc. Maybe people would take you more seriously, Sham, if you weren't wearing a brown. knitted. poncho. I don't recall Al Pacino wearing a goddamn poncho when he was running round in Scarface shooting people and saying "motherfocker" a lot.

Mickey Fin now has a job on the market. All the Teen muppets are going to go out together to celebrate their lame NYE storyline. They all cunningly forget to invite Scalliq. Scalliq keeps lurking around and spying on Mickey and in the end Mickey says that he isn't going to tell them about his crypto-incestuous hows-your-father so he can sod off. Scalliq says that he was only joking about all that anyway and it is all a lie. See, he is really gay!

Nana 2.0 brings breakfast in bed for Fool and Slutty while the are cavorting under the duvet. What an old perv. Fool tells her to leave off.

I note than none of the Slaters have got their lazy arses onto a train to Scotland to take Teen some clean nighties and Bunty comics etc. Billy is sleeping on the sofa and ignoring Drippy no matter how many times she says "Bi-lleeeeee! Bill-lleeee!". All the other Slaters think they have had a row. In the end Drippy traps him in the house and insists that they talk. Drippy has started doing Simpleton style nativity play stomach holding, even though she is only, like, three weeks along. Billy asks why she is keeping the baby. Drippy says that abortion may be right for some people but it is instinctively not right for her and that she wants some good to come out of the horrible experience. Also that it isn't the baby's fault that the dad was a rapist and that Teen was born from the freakish union of Boon and Slutty but she turned out great, despite her giant man hands. Billy thinks the baby will be a Bad Seed Demon Child (dude, she didn't shag Ian!) and asks if she wanted Graham to do it with her. He says that he can't be a father to the kid and that it was unfair that she unilaterally decided to keep it and that she has to choose either the baby or him. Drippy says "I choose me!" and jumps out of the window. Or maybe that was what I wanted to happen...