I'M THE FIRESTARTER! COCKNEY FIRESTARTER!
Charlie has to go back for sentencing in a few weeks', but in the meantime he's all serene and self-righteous, which confuses the Slater women no end. Billy mutters that it should have been him, but then Billy's not a cabbie with secret cabbie knowledge of the best places to beat up abductees and wreck one's only source of livelihood into the bargain, so he couldn't have done it even if he was that stupid.

Moomin isn't due back at Moomin Nurse college yet, so she spends the day giggling with MMartin on his stall. MY Gus catches up with her in the caff and asks her to say it ain't so. Moomin gazes dementedly at him and says that she knows that Jaymee would want her to be happy, even if it is with the man who KILLED HIM.

MY Gus looks heartbroken, and very very confused. But never mind, here's Kellay looking heartbroken too. Maybe they can console each other and become the Avenging Angels of Albert Square after all. MY Gus polishes his halo and tells Kellay and Teen to sit down and talk to each other about whatever it is that is bothering them. Teen tries, but Kellay runs off and cries.

You know you're in a bad way when Billy Mitchell is the lone voice of reason. Araminta and Sham are all fired up (sorry) about torching the snooker hall and Angie's Den into the bargain. When Billy points out that all any insurer has to do is look at "the books" to work out why the snooker hall went up in flames, Araminta says that's all right, we'll just torch the Wattses place as well because we hates them. Sham gets all excited and changes into her Posh-Spice-Gone-Bad cream suit. Billy looks incredulous. Sham and Araminta spend the rest of the day drawing plans of the night club in an exercise book and writing down exactly how, when and where they are going to light the matches. Nutters.

Billy, in the meantime, gets a message to see Drippy. But Drippy hasn't decided to abort the Grahamette, and Billy storms out again. He goes back to Sham and spouts some nonsense about helping his real family - the one that has repeatedly crapped on and neglected him for years...you know...like a real family. Anyway, he's going to torch the Den because he knows how to hide in the toilets without being detected by Denman.

Fool is fed up of Slutty's stuff cluttering up his bedroom - you'd never think a couple of leather mini skirts and a hundred tiny trashy t-shirts could take up so much room. He gives Slutty some cash to go and buy a new wardrobe, but she spends it on a nice coat instead, and buys a couple of plastic boxes to store Fool's West Ham shirts in. I don't see what is wrong with this, but Mr P sighed theatrically at this point, so it must be a man thing.

Vickney's plans for the Valentine's ball (it's only January, ffs) are heating up. She designs trashy invitations that Shazza gets her Magic Printer to print in nanoseconds; and orders a pile of dodgy brandy (is that what the young people are drinking these days?) from Mickey Finhead. Denman finds out and tells her to call the deal off and give him his money back. Vickney pouts rebelliously.

Drippy whines at Kyert, who has a copper flashback and tells her that keeping the Grahamette might work against her in court. Drippy dismisses Kyert so that she can twitch and slouch...alone.

Nat and Juhneen exchange evil looks in the caff. Nat tells Pat that she dreamed of Bazza shaking his chains and shouting: "I was muuuuurrrdeerrrrred...the owls are not what they seem....". Pat tells her to get a grip.

Juhneen invites Rickay to come and run the car lot with her. Rickay is stunned. We're stunned. I wouldn't trust that man with a tricycle, let alone a dodgy Ford Fiesta.

The nightclub is empty because another club is conveniently holding a free vodka snakebites for the laydeez-type opening night around the corner. Billy sits and twitches in the corner, ignoring Denman's taunts. Denman decides to shut up early, but while he is cashing up, Billy sneaks into the toilets. Meanwhile Vickney and Mickney are lurking in the shadows outside with boxes of dodgy brandy. Denman locks up, then Vickney unlocks up and starts hiding the dodgy bottles behind the Bombay Sapphire. Umm...don't you think that somebody might notice several bottles of brandy on the gin shelf...oh well, it's going to go up in smoke anyway, so whatever...

Araminta looks like all his Christmases have come at once when Sham orders him to take her out for an alibi meal at the local Indian. Then she smiles and winks at every single man under 50 so that "they remember her" - and her delusionoid behaviour. Meanwhile Billy dithers around with a box of matches and looks "conflicted". Oh I hope I don't have my baby tomorrow night - I might not find out whether he torches the club or not...pah!