RESERVOIR SPROGS
No wonder Shazza’s the colour of freshly sawn teak; she seems to spend her days hiding behind bushes in MacArfur Park, spying on her dad. She ropes Denman into her crime-solving gang.

Dot persuades Yolande to listen to what Pious Ex has to say. But, oooh…well, it turns out Pious Ex isn’t so pious after all. He’s an eeevil manipulative philandererer who thinks that Ethics is that flat place just south of Thuffolk. Yolande throws him out (Go Yolande!) but he bumps into TriniDad and decides to get him drunk and tell him that Yolande is a loose woman who eats men for breakfast. TriniDad is unimpressed. So Pious Ex says: “OK, I’ll buy her off you. How does ten grand sound?” You what?

Simpleton is worried that AGarry doesn’t love her any more – for god’s sake woman, he’s only been shagging you for ten minutes, if you’re lucky. Agarry looks “conflicted” and tries to run away, but Simpers is mega clingy and attaches herself to his legs all the way to work. I’m convinced that somebody is slipping mind-numbing pheronomes into the Slater’s water supply because both Posh and Sullen start flicking their hair and pouting seductively when AGarry passes through their transom. Sullen ambushes AGarry at work, and they shag in the Ford Fiesta Of Infidelity. Later Posh finds him, a wizened, exhausted husk, and leaps on him while his manhood shrieks for mercy.

Fool’s foolishness reaches new, dizzying heights of fooldom. How can you forget the name of your solicitor – even five years spent dodging fallen soap bars at HMP Lakeland Plastics shouldn’t dislodge the memory of your own divorce lawyer. He finds his ex-wife’s phone number and somehow manages to extract her address from this information. His ex-mother-in-law answers the door in her spangly Bet Lynch best catsuit and tries it on with him before suddenly remembering that it’s Fool and not the milkman. Apparently she claims he is divorced. Fool is happy, and so is Slutty.

Meanwhile, Kyert’s Copper Spider Sense is twitching because Fill is meeting with dodgy blokes carrying briefcases and not telling her what it’s all about. Fill tells her not to worry her pretty little head. Said briefcase is carried by Fill to O-Den’s place, watched by Boy Detective Denman and Girl Detective Shazza. Rather than the expected Pret BLT sandwich and a copy of the Evening Standard, it’s got lots of really cool safecracking-type tools and fireworky things in it, as Denman discovers when he uses his Swiss Army lockpicking keyring attachment to open the case. O-Den comes home and finds Denman demonstrating the acting prowess that got him noticed at the Croydon Operatic and Dramatic Arts Society. I wonder if his top ever fell off during the first act of The Mikado like it did for one hapless chorus member* a couple of years ago?

*NB: at least one reader in the Sutton area will know exactly who I'm talking about.