BISHOPS STORTFORD: THE NEW CHIGWELL?
Moomin feels dirty and cheap after her minute of passion with MMartin and chucks him out as soon as Dot and Jim leave for the day. She takes a bunch of flowers to Jaymee’s grave (it’s his birthday) and weeps for her betrayal of Manbreasts. Oh come on love, he slept with Teen. And Juhneen.

MMartin now thinks he’s in love with Moomin and vows to change his ways to make himself worthy of her. Like she cares or something.

Kyert is excited about her new nailbar opportunity – after all who wants to be a boring old police inspector and go around chasing criminals and solving murders when you can make money painting other peoples’ nails? Fill wants Kyert to employ Sham. O-Den calls and asks Fill to meet him in the Vic for a small-time ganglord summit.

Ethel 2.0 wants Backstreet to come to the hospital with her. Fool has to ask Slutty to look after the pub for him, even though Byrite has arranged a viewing of a big house in Bishop’s Stortford (I suppose Chigwell is just too…Essex for Byrite). Slutty says yes to Fool. Byrite is cross and goes over to tell Fill that his pub manager has a sick granny and keeps shutting up the pub for no reason and seems to be after his bird. Fill goes over to the Vic to meet O-Den and discovers that the lager’s off, and gets cross. O-Den tells Fill he wants his pub back and we have a brief Watts/Mitchell unmixy things conversation. Fill writes an enormous sum on the back of an envelope and O-Den says, OK. Fill laughs at all the money he is going to con out of O-Den and goes off to steal sweets from small children or something.

Kyert’s standing outside her nearly-finished nailbar (called Kyert’s Klassy Klaw Salon or something equally naff) when Denman comes over to sneer at Kyert’s thwarted ambition and potato-faced husband. Kyert says that her Fill is harder than Denman’s Dad, and besides, they’re all matey in the Vic right now. Denman is perturbed to find that yes, what Kyert says is true.

Meanwhile, Ethel’s tests go on all day and Byrite is getting crosser and crosser about Slutty working in a cheap East End boozer instead of wafting about his Hertfordshire dream home, drinking gin and finding 101 ways to remove stubborn blood stains. He tells Slutty to give up her job as soon as Fool comes back.

At the Ferreiras, Dadvis comes up with a cunning plan to prove that Ash is still up to his old gambling ways. He leaves a carefully-arranged wad of 20s on the stereo and announces that he's going out for the day. Scalliq turns up unexpectedly to see if DJ Ross will take him back, but DJ Ross does more shouting and arm-waving. Ash moans that he can't get any marking done and storms off to the library. Scalliq helps himself to a few 20s from the stereo stash and departs.

A nice bearded consultant announces finally that Ethel 2.0 has hydrocephalus – water on the brain. The Moons look anxious. Don’t you actually need a brain in the first place for that one? Maybe they’re scared that the surgeon will open up Ethel’s skull and be sucked into a rift in the space/time continuum. Ethel’s happy that she’s not going insane, she really is just stupid after all.

Byrite finds Fool and Slutty cleaning out the lagery cellar, forces Slutty to quit on the spot, and into the car she goes. He goes back to warn Fool to stay away from his bird or else. More calendar fodder…