FOOL AND BYRITE IN A WRESTLING MATCH (YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH)
I really didn’t know whether to laugh, or cry, or throw the cat at the television tonight.

So let’s start where we left off yesterday. Ian’s Chip Van of Love speeds through some nondescript London streets that look a bit like the back of Nunhead Cemetery, and eventually they end up at the church, where the Brand New Heavies are out in force.

Fool tries barging past the really gay looking Heavy who looks a bit like Vin Diesel, but Vin Heavy lisps: “You can’t go in there” and punches him. The scriptwriters realise they’ve got to drag this out a bit, so we get lots of timewasting discussion between Ian and Fool which results in Fool using a handy pair of Goths to sneak past Heavy 2 while Vin Heavy chases Ian away from his motor.

Inside the church, Comedy Vicar has got to the has anybody got any reason why these two shouldn’t get married bit. Nobody shouts: “Well, he’s a psycho gangsta Ninja Kitten trainer; and she’s a thick slapper with weird orange skin”, and Drippy has disappeared (standing out in the cold in that flimsy bridesmaid’s outfit must have done for the poor thing). Fool dodges a few more heavies and rushes up to the balcony to do his end of The Graduate scene.

Slutty is cross that Fool is embarrassing her with all this talk of true love in front of East London’s biggest collection of psychos and misfits this side of Romford, and drags him into the vestry for a “chat”. Comedy Vicar asks them to hurry up because he’s got another wedding with a proper couple who actually want to get married coming along in a few minutes.

The only thing that saves the big declaration in the vestry scene is that both actors are quite good and don’t resort to chewing the scenery. Basically, they bicker each other into admitting deep deep love, and it’s mildly amusing to hear that Fool’s favourite fantasy is Slutty in a West Ham shirt, and he’s a bit of a perv when it comes to feet.

Byrite gets impatient, rushes in and gets the elbow from Slutty. He tries to beat up Fool, but Slutty threatens him with telling the Sopranos about his dastardly plans to conquer New Jersey or whatever. Byrite shakes his fist, shouting that he would have married Slutty if it hadn’t been for Fool’s meddling and storms out of the church. On his way out, he pushes Pa Slater, which starts off a wholesale riot between the Byrite clan and assorted Slaters and EE cast members. I’m surprised the churchwardens didn’t get out the Kalashnikovs and finish the lot off, to be honest. Wouldn’t happen in my mum’s church.

Fool and Slutty trot off to the bus stop, Slutty vowing never to wear such a hellacious shoulderless number ever again; and Fool admitting that he might still be married to Linda Nolan, but he’s not sure.