TEENAGE MUM CLUB
Poor little Demi is rolling around the Swings of Contemplation, yelling and clutching her stomach. Poline wanders past with a "you can't fool me with your yelling and bump-clutching, young lady...". But she stops anyway, works out that Demi might actually be serious this time because she's not asking for money, and runs off to the Millers' for help.

Mickney is busy being handcuffed to the bed by Kareena, and can't answer the door. Poline races about, gets Paul to get Fool to call an ambulance, and by some non-comedy plot-device, has to go with Demi to the 'orspital. Of course, her granite visage softens at the sight of poor little Demi in labour. Incidentally, Demi's a good little actress when not trying to be the Artless Dodgerette.

Meanwhile, Keef and Rosie have won on the bingo, and stop off for fish and chips at the Bealemeister's vandalised shop. Turns out the shop was vandalised by Dumber et al. Ian takes Keef's winnings off him, then treats him to a lecture on parental responsibility. This is a man who dumps his offspring on the nearest blonde available whenever it's convenient. Anyway, they get home, shout at Mickney, shout at Dumber, shout at Fool, glare at Kareena...and it's orf to orspital for the Millers.

Fool has a go at Slutty for turning Teen into Mini-Slutty. Teen runs wild all over the pub (for goodness' sake, Poxditch is down the road...let her go to a club and take up with a be-mulletted freelance web designer...that'll learn her). Slutty decides that it's time to save Teen, and tells her that she's changed her mind: she never liked Teen anyway, and she's always regretted not having an abortion. Teen runs off into the storm, with only her vile turquoise top to light the way. Why do they keep putting her in off-the-manshoulder daywear? In November? Anyway, Slutty: sad. We're due a Big Revelation about why Slutty has had a complete personality transplant soon, aren't we?

Demi gives birth to a three-week old baby girl, and looks slightly disgusted. The other Millers gather round, and Demi looks uncomfortable. Then a really hard-looking bloke appears, with what looks like the ugly dark-haired one from Busted in tow. It's SemiDemi's grandpa! He storms into the labour ward (can't be that busy then: she'd have been moved out by now in any other hospital), throws some money down on the table and tells Busted Boy to stay away from SemiDemi. Busted Boy looks slightly embarrassed. Exeunt Grandpa Hard and Busted Boy. Dumber leaps on the money, but Keef takes it off him, and tears it up, because the Millers don't need money. Apparently.