APPETITE FOR DESTRUCT-DEN

This morning I opened the newspaper and my blood ran cold â?? no, not
because my angel was in the centrefold but because I read the dread
words : "Eastenders hour long special" â?? it all seems more "ordinary"
than "special" to me, but the "highlight" appears to be the return of
O-Den after his lengthy internet-wrong-touching suspension.

The Watt's Wimmin are all in the kitchen carrying on like normal
people (albeit normal people with odd hair) when O-Den appears with a
smarmy grin, tan, flowers, giant chorizo sausage and raffia donkey.
LadyDen smiles but then remembers that she is supposed to hate him,
slaps him, rocks out with her wide repertoire of Hacky Looks and then
strops off to get dressed. Shazza and Vickney make their excuses so
they can leave them to row in peace. They go to the club and chat â??
for some reason Vickney thinks that Shazza has a mystery boyfriend.
Meanwhile LadyDen shoehorns her bosoms into a slinky black dress and
goes to shout at O-Den. They wrestle with his giant sausage (insert
obvious joke here) and then LadyDen strops off to work. Kareena (still
wearing that vile turquoise poncho) comes in for a makeover, but when
she sees the psychotic gleam in LadyDen's eyes she asks if LadyDen can
just spray some water on her hair and pat it around a bit instead.
Dude, that's all she ever does anyway. O-Den sends L-D flowers but
she gives them all away. In the end she agrees to see him and they
have another row. O-Den wins her over by showing her some mysterious
documents that he brought back with him. LadyDen looks at them with a
"well I never!" type expression â?? maybe they are screen captures of
his interweb antics. She tells him that she will KILL HIM DEAD if he
ever betrays her again.

In other O-Den news, it turns out that Denman went to stay with him in
Spain so he knows all the Square news. Vickney tells Teen and berates
Denman for being a bad boyfriend. Shazza makes a stupid face. O-Den
knows that Vickney has a boyfriend but doesn't yet realise that he is
a Dadfriend. O-Den slips his sausage to Ian (yes, Ian â?? chorizo â??
you're a caterer! think!) and apologises for, um, something and then
gives the donkey to Pat and apologises for calling her a manky whore.
He asks her where Byrite is and she tells him to just leave it. O-Den
then catches Bad Brother chatting to Aryan Drug Dealer and sacks him
on the spot.

Phew, there are still shitloads of plots to get through!

Billy is taking the Walford Wank-derers way too seriously for a man
with a new baybay. He makes some posters, which he colours in with
felt-tips and everything, buys a Big Ron coat made of stinky un-cured
sheepskin and sets up a subbutteo table with which he appears to
relive an old Arsenal/Man City match. He calls a meeting in the pub
and starts giving orders. Dole Scum Keef horns in and takes over â?? he
recruits Doktor Boden-Shirt into the team, gives everyone gay
nicknames and says that Walford Womblers is a shit name (TRU!) and
that they ought to be called Real Walford instead â?? not bad but Dynamo
Walford would be better. Then everyone argues about which Walford Pet
should be the mascot. Glad to see they have got their priorities in
order. Billy has a bratty fit and says "This is my team! I've got the
coat and everything! You're only sucking up to Dr B-S so he will sign
your sick notes, you parasite!" Keef stomps off and after he is gone
everyone stares at Billy accusingly and says "God, why did you have to
be such a bitch, Billy!"

Rosie Klebb goes to collect Demi and Semi-Demi from orspital while
Mickney sorts out the house. Rosie's brother Clint comes round with a
present (a remote control car â?? good one) and helps assemble the cot.
He is a rockabilly type who has a non-comedy subplot in that his real
name is Beverley, which he hates in a Johnny Cash "boy named Sue"
stylee. He also joins the footy team so it looks like he is a Proper
Character. Dole Scum Keef buys a beef knuckle for the dog and Dumber
sulks because he hasn't got any cool plots like his sister. Dot and
Drippy come round with presents too. Demi palms off the kid (called
"Aleesha Beyonce" â?? so anyone who voted for Ashanti in the poll is the
nearest to a WINNAH!) to Rosie and goes with Dumber to sit on the
Swings of Contemplation and weep for her lost childhood/lost love out
of Busted etc. A health visitor comes round with her pen hovering over
the "at risk" register but Rosie makes an inspiring "We may be poor
and annoying, but we're proud and we know how to look after baybays"
speech.

JoJo makes Backstreet buy her a tin necklace off the market, a
manicure and makes him raid his cash machine so she can go to New Look
and buy some more shiny tops. When Backstreet protests she reminds him
that Charlie turns into Two Fisted Taxi Driver Vigilante Man when
people mess with his Gels and says that if he goes to prison he will
be put on a nonce wing where the other sex offenders would eat a prime
piece of chicken like him for breakfast. Backstreet is sad but luckily
Wonder Teen comes to the rescue. She notices when JoJo makes him slip
a vodka into her fizzy pop, and when she asks Backstreet what the hell
he is doing, the whole sorry story comes out. Teen agrees to solve it
discretely so that no-one else finds out that Backstreet is a big
perv. She confronts JoJo and confiscates all her new whorish outfits
so she can return them and get the money back. JoJo accuses Teen of
being a big loser whose boyfriend and family hate her. Teen points out
that the only reason JoJo is staying with them is that her family hate
her too. Jojo says that Slutty is a big slut. SLAP!!!! Don't provoke
the wrath of manhands! Teen belts her one, slams her against the wall
and says that she will flatten JoJo if she ever mentions Slutty again.
She can do it too, look at her Amazonian shoulders. Teen stomps off to
return the clothes and give Backstreet his money and JoJo glowers in
the mirror, fingers the giant handprint on her cheek and plots evil
plots. I don't care if JoJo is a copy of Juhneen, EE really needed
another spiteful bitch type character to stir things up.