THERE'S A GUY WORKS DOWN THE CHIP SHOP SWEARS HE'S BACKSTREET
Jesus H Christ, Backstreet's return from Strictly Come Dancing (which always sounds like a twinkle-toed dominatrix's calling card to me) is heralded with a lameo plot device that lets him fuck over two of the Bealemeister's businesses at once. PantoJane has a crisis with CJDave, Backstreet tries to give her a written warning over the phone, and Ian slimes over to CJDave's room in the nursing home for a quick fondle while he's still unconscious. The best part of this was when Fool kept singing: "Mini Beale! Mini Beale". Edit: While in Saffrika, Ian appears to have picked out a bunch of new kids from the Midwich pods.

They've worked out how to film Slutty from the shoulders up. She overhears Fool calling her an alcoholic mess to Teen. Teen says that she's changed her mind since Denman went on holiday away, and now thinks that All Men Are Bastards and the best you can do is drink your way into a lifetime membership of the Smirnoff Society. Well, admit it Teen, you do pick 'em. Jaymee, DJ Ross, Denman, assorted punters from your weekend-as-a-ho. Slutty shouts at poor Fool (again), and goes to help Teen pick up her stuff from Weird Family Central. Then they dive into Shazza's cheap voddy stash and swim around for a bit, getting lairy etc. Teen runs around the bar at the Vic being a right little bitch to poor Billy, and shouting at Fool. Fool: sad. Yadda.

Kyert lets slip that Drippy has been calling her. Billy is cross - possibly because there is a child in this world called Frederick. Then he forgives Kyert. Kyert gets a text from Mo, and runs off to swap places with her in the plot cupboard.

Demi and Dumber do the "waters have broken" scam on Poline, forgetting that Poline might actually remember what waters look like when they have broken. Demi wants to spend her maternity grant on new trainers and not stupid prams(don't worry love - you can always spend the child benefit on gin). In more mini-spide lamery, they fail to steal a completely inappropriate buggy for a newborn from the local creche. Rosie Klebb catches them and imprisons Demi on the sofa. Dumber waits for her to wheedle her way out, but then some really common stage school boys come along with proper fags and lots of BBC Beer For the Socially Excluded. Demi catches up with them, but Dumber says she's too old and fat for Faginesque japery now, then runs off with his new friends. EDIT: Oh yes, Demi starts having contractions and we're supposed to think that her waters have broken for real. But there's nobody going: "ewwwwww....is that what I think it is?"