NEVER TRUST A STRANGLERS FAN
Poor old Keef - there he was, happily bullshitting his way into yet another free drink when Juley and the rest of Real Walford go and 'elect' him as team manager, leaving poor old Billy with nothing but his dead sheep coat for company. Keef makes the team run around the square and wave their arms about like Tiller girls. Meanwhile, Health Visitor turns up and tries to speak to Demi on her own. Demi does her frightened squirrel look, and lets Rosie do the talking. Actually, this bit is done quite well, and I feel quite sorry for the poor kid. Both of them. Then she goes off on a nicking spree with Dumber, and I just want to kill them both again.

Billy sulks and refuses to go to the parenting group because that's what women do. Then Drippy tells him there were MEN at the group, discussing breastfeeding and night feeds. Billy decides to go to the next group to protect Drippy from their lascivious gazes - little knowing that new fathers are too sleep-deprived to think of anything more exciting than cleaning the breast pump, the fool.

The team bus is Beverley/Clint's ice-cream van, which is called Clint's Creamy Whip. Stuffed with 11 strapping young men (and Minty), I will leave the porn implications of that non-comedy clip to your fevered imaginations. Anyway, Keef's strategy is something called the 'pearl' formation, and he tries to explain it using a chess board. DJ Ross is made striker because he's got new trainers - ones that Demi and Dumber nicked, apparently. Looks like Mo's Fagin-u-like operation is up and running. They'll be dancing up and down the attics of East London before you know it.

Enough of the non-comedy football team, what about JoJo, eh? Well, she's going down a storm at the salon. First she weeps at LadyDen, who offers to pat her hair into a style straight out of a Blue Jeans beauty page circa 1976 ("Mmmm! Richard Carpenter!"). While LadyDen's off telling Dadfriend to get out of her life, JoJo moans at Kyert until Kyert does her a new set of nails and lets her pour coffee into LadyDen's electric blue suede handbag. LadyDen and Kyert are just about to launch into a full-on bitchslappin' brawl when Kyert's Girl Detective Sense starts a-buzzing, and it all becomes clear. Kyert and LadyDen decide to bury the hatchet in JoJo's new nails and hatch an evil bitchy plan. Bwahahaha!

So...Dadfriend. Well, he moons about in the square, gazing at LadyDen's door. LadyDen stands on the step in her pink dressing gown and tells him to fuck off out of her life. Later she meets him in the caff, and tells him to fuck off out of her life and Vickney's life and take his sleazebag ways off to the local Conservative Association, where they like that sort of thing. Dadfriend takes Vickney to see Denman, and they browbeat him into letting Vickney go to Thailand. Then he tells Vickney that LadyDen made a pass at him. Vickney has another row with LadyDen, and it all gets stupid. Agh...maybe the producers could do a Bridget Jones-style jumped up heroin smuggling charge or something. That'll get rid of Vickney for another ten years or so.