WEST HAMMER TIME

This is mainly taken up with a football match. They go out to a proper
location to film it and everything. Sparta Walford put on spiffy blue
and claret strips that remind me of West Ham and get ready to play
against a team of white-outfitted smoothies (in tribute to Shaolin
Soccer, I will call them "Team Evil") who appear to be managed by
David Brent. Dole Scum Keef has no tactical suggestions and tells them
just to go out and have a good time. All the players think he is
actually a bit rubbish - which is confirmed when they bumble around on
the pitch like drunken clowns and let Team Evil score two goals in the
first five minutes. (Billy hears over the phone and gloats
schadenfreudenly in the Vic, still wearing his rotting sheep carcass
coat.) The only spectators are Rosie Klebb, Genghis, Kareena and
Martina. At half time, there is open rebellion which nearly results in
fisticuffs. Keef repeats his non-tactical non-advice from earlier.
They go back to play and Keef decides to cheat - first he releases
Genghis on to the field of play at a crucial moment, causing enough
distraction for Walford to score. Then he dispatches his Skank Brigade
(Kareena and Martina) to shake their booties in front of the (cute)
Team Evil goalie long enough for them to equalise. Incidentally the
most fun to be had in this is watching the actors try to kick the ball
around without looking like total divs. A-Garry is HACKED DOWN in the
penalty area by a Team Evil player so dirty and wrong in the head that
he ought to be playing for Man U. Scalliq is chosen to take the
penalty (as "Goldenbollocks" DJ Ross has already been red carded) and
takes about 3 hours putting on some shiny white magic football boots.
He puts it away and the game is miraculously over. Hurrah for Real
Walford!

Meanwhile back at the Square, LadyDen sulks on Losers Bench. Shazza
comes along to have a go at her and LadyDen confesses that she let
DadFriend kiss her "in a moment of weakness" and that O-den was right!
Dadfriend was a sleazy, no-good varmint. Also she is sad that Vickney
hates her. She persuades Shazza that she is right and they decide to
go together and sort it out. They try to talk to Vickney but she is
all "Get away from me, you bitch!" LadyDen pleads for one more chance
to set things right - all she has to do is show Vickney the hornay
texts that Dadfriend sent her but oh no, this is a soap opera. LadyDen
follows Dadfriend into the men's bogs at the Vic and lurks at the door
with a hilarious vixenly pout. She tells him that he has won and since
Vickney already hates her she may as well get some sweet loving into
the bargain. Dadfriend falls for this transparent ruse and soon lets
LadyDen divest him of his shirt and trousers. She says she is going to
get "a key" so they can go somewhere that doesn't smell of urinal
tablets and nips off with his clothes while he waits in the cubicle.
Of course she comes back with Vickney and Shazza in tow. Doh. LadyDen
and Shazza leave Vickney so she can have a dramatic confrontation with
Dadfriend's hunky man breasts.

At Socrappykyerts, Kyert tells JoJo that they will play a mean trick
on LadyDen by moving loads of old shampoo bottles out of a store
cupboard. After Jojo has slaved away for hours, LadyDen comes in and
says they will also play a mean trick on Kyert by moving some other
shite from somewhere else. The two ladies then team up and tell JoJo
that they were playing a mean trick on her as revenge for her playing
them off against each other. Jojo says that they are pathetic middle
ages hags and snits off. Kyert and LadyDen decide to go for a drink
together. Oh, I don't want Kyert to leave. Also LadyDen rocked the
house in the episode. I'm not sure how she would do in a proper drama
but her "acting" "style" is just perfect for a soap opera.

In the bogs at the Vic, Vickney has a tearful speech about how
Dadfriend has thrown away their future for cheap sex. Dadfriend's
pectorals whine that they want their clothes back and that it wasn't a
serious relationship anyway. Vickney says "That's not what you said
when you were trying to get me into bed, you perv." She goes on about
how special she is and how Dadfriend has now lost her super
specialness forever. Hmmm, someone has quite a high opinion of
herself. She leaves without getting his clothes. Vickney was quite
good in this scene. I don't want her to leave either. Big Mo comes in
and mocks Dadfriend but unfortunately there was a powercut in my block
of flats at this time so I never got to see the hilarious hi-jinks
which undoubtedly ensued.