YOU ARE THE SON OF A BEALEMEISTER (ONE, TWO, THREE...)
Pat's earrings weigh particularly heavy today. Almost as heavily as her conscience (see what I did there?). She witters around, trying to tell Ian that the cute genetic experiment is his, but keeps bottling out. AGarry wants her to keep her mouth shut because he's finally got Sullen to treat the poor kid like a human being; besides, all that nappy changing and teaching of West Ham terrace chants must count for something...(NB: is Sullen's dye job growing out, or did she pay for that hairdo?). Pat gets all stressed out and can't even burn toast properly, much to Silent Tracey's silent chagrin (though she did get to say: "Where's my toast?"). Ian is cross. O-Den finally gets the truth out of her, gives her a lecture on how much he regrets never changing Denman's nappy and maybe if he had been around all that crypto incest nonsense may never have happened. Pat dithers on, and O-Den decides to tell Ian himself. The final shot is of a close up of Ian's face: a gorgeous mix of fear, anger and utter lack of gorm.

So, elsewhere. All this astrological matchmaking madness has finally tipped Vickney over the edge. She lures Backstreet and Kellay into the club office and locks them in before they have time to protest. I'd have her sectioned.

Polzilla tries to sneak Moomin off to the Bridal Meringue shop to stuff her into some hideous polyester-and-lace concoction. But Dothra discovers her cunning plan and comes along too. Moomin just wants a quiet wedding with no fuss. OK, nip off to Las Vegas and get married by Elvis, kids.

Teen frets teenily over Denman. Denman sees her applying her lipstick in public like a common slattern and invites her over to the pub for a game of lascivious darts in front of Slutty. Slutty is cross and still sad about Byrite. Meanwhile Byrite discovers that Slutty is Alone because Sham has sent Fool on his Bartending for Dummies course. This is a cue for Byrite to spend hours in the Vic, waggling his tongue at Slutty and threatening to call Fool.

Shazza consigns Hero Fireman Tom to the Dustbin of History. She and Denman have a longing looks-style conversation that implies that Denman's next - but probably only after he's shagged LadyDen.