LAND OF PLENTY, LAND OF FUN, TO FIND OUT I'M IAN BEALE'S SON
Apologies all, but the tortuous Pixies-related titles may continue for some months now they're on tour.

So anyway, AGarry goes to visit Doktor Boden-Shirt, and discovers (though Doktor Boden-Shirt tries not to tell him) that the Simplet is a completely different blood group from him and Simpleton - in fact it's the same as my kid's (Mr P denies everything and has banned me from every chip shop in London, just in case). We discover that Ian Beale doesn't know his blood group. He tries to chisel his blood group out of Boden-Shirt, who glares ineffectively at him, and admits that he just might be Papa Simplet but the only way to find out for sure is a DNA test. Ian now wants the Simplet because he would be the ideal Freak Genetic Replacement for Devil Child Stephen, now with Wicksy in New Zealand - probably on a tiny island off Auckland where they lure stray Australians into giant cages and burn them as an offering to the Gods of ITV. Sullen looks glad that she might actually be shot of the kid and tries to persuade AGarry that it's all for the best, and he's got another, proper child on its way anyway (though I'd wonder about that one, knowing Sullen it's probably the lingering aftermath of Beppay's sperm). But AGarry turns in quite a respectable tear-jerking speech about being the one Simplet smiles at, and the first person to hold him etc etc etc. He tries to run away with Simplet, but runs out of ideas at the station, gets shouted at by a self-righteous Brummie extra, and comes home again. Ian's waiting with the Slaters, who actually stand by, snivelling, and let him take the poor kid away from AGarry. Leave now, AGarry. Your inlaws are not only stupid, but even more annoying than you.

Slutty misses Fool, but keeps finding lame-ass lovenotes from him everywhere, which she waves talismanically at Byrite. Byrite says: "Haha , my little pretty. I'm going to get you good this time, and tell your idiot husband that we done it in my girlfriend's bed." Slutty: "Go ahead, you big pervy loser". Byrite apparently carries That Video everywhere with him...eww.

Kellay kind of knows she should really be with MY Gus and not Backstreet, but she's prepared to make the best of a bad job.

Teen's treating Denman mean and keeping him keen. She gets LadyDen to make her up like Cher, goes to the niteclub and chats with anything in trousers to get Denman jealous. Because all the teen muppet storylines are written by former Jackie storyliners (yes I know I'm showing my age), Denman falls for it and Teen gets her man.

O-Den arranges an assignation with Mystery Laydee, and gives LadyDen the runaround. Next!

MoominBride plots with Vickney to get the dress she wants from the Bridezilla shop. Polzilla is angry that her plans for the giant bridal cardigan have been thwarted because now they have to change the flower order.