CABIN FEVER
by Mark
I missed this last night as a result of a VCR disaster (ie I forgot to set it…) and so had to cobble this together from the BBC site…

Moomin shops for her moomingown but gets annoyed as Dothra and Polzilla are too busy arguing to help her. Destroy All Monsters, Sonia, you know it makes sense. They reject all the dresses she likes so in the end Moomin has a bratty fit and stomps off. Bitch hag Poline buys a dress for her anyway. I didn’t see it but I am assuming it is a grey knitted cardigan-esque number…

The Ferrieraz get a post card from the props department. Oops, I mean “Madhur”. Apparently she is in the Himalayas (of course she is….) researching a new recipe book and so she can’t help them.

In the Kabinet of Lust, Kellay and Backstreet discover that devious minx Vickney has removed all the phones from the room so they have no way of calling for help. Backstreet tries to break the door down but is obviously too weak and feeble. They bicker and bring up the sorry episode of their 18th birthday fumble and Kellay’s ho past. Through some unbelievable miracle of dialogue writing they end up making friends and then flirting with each other. But lo! Vickney realises that her astronomy bollocks was all a mistake and that they aren’t a cosmic love match after all. She goes to let them out and finds them shagging on the lino or something. How lame was that plotline? (clue: very)

Ian is shocked and appalled that Bobby could be his baybay. Especially as he had a secret vasectomy and then spent the last year calling it a freak genetic experiment. He asks why O-Den is helping him and O-Den says he feels bad for being a deadbeat dad himself and also he was friends with Ian’s dad and so is loyal to the House of Bealemeister. When Ian finds out that Pat knew all along he is cross and they have a row. Ian thinks that Pat likes AGarrry more than she likes him and sacks her from the caff. (Tribunal! Tribunal!). A-Garry is also cross with Pat and says he wants to keep Bobby whoever the Dad is. Poor old Pat – it isn’t her fault that Simpleton was such a dozy cow.

Ian gets an unbelievably quick appointment at Vasectomies-R-Us and talks to a consultant. The nad-snipper says that Ian could still have been fertile for a while after the op, as any fule know. (Mmm, thinking about Beale’s bollocks again. Thanks EE writers! Thanks for nothing!) There is a picture on the website of Ian clapping his hands to his ears and screaming a la Macauley Culkin. Ha ha ha! Kyert is supportive in a worthy dull way (I am assuming…) He goes to confront Garry and demands that Bobby is DNA tested. Garry still wants to keep the baby whatever the results. Ian wants the baby if it is his. It is turning into a tragic tot tug of love, as the Sun would put it…