THE LONELINESS OF THE LONG DISTANCE SLUTTY

Vickney is still suffering from Romantic Comedy Psychosis and is plotting to get Backstreet into Kellay's pants. She invites them both round to dinner without saying the other one is coming and then cooks a special dinner (cue shots of Vickney looking at a "romantic food" cookbook, Vickney smirking at bunches of asparagus etc). Kell and Backster work out what is going on and don't show up. Vickney says they will never get away with thwarting her. Jeezuz Vickney, get a life.

LadyDen nearly catches O-Den phoning his mystery wench.

Teen is still a nervous wreck because Denman hasn't called her. Slutty tells her to get a grip.

It is Crypto-Bridezilla versus Dot-thra. Poline is going into marriage planner uber-drive. She decides that Gay Pike is going to the best man and that Moomin and Mmartin will drive in a horse drawn carraige. Mmartin flaps his jaw, ineffectually. Meanwhile Dot says she should plan the wedding as she is the bride's family and Jim just wants to put a few balloons up. They all meet up to discuss it and Poline and Dot make snooty sarcasmo faces and roll their eyes a lot.

Billy is going to grass Andy/Slutty up to Sham out of spite but then Byrite gives Billy the project manager job for converting the snookerall into offices. Billy is a chartered surveyor now? I must have missed the one where that happened. There is EE Trusty Plot Device number 1 where Billy is about to tell her and Sham interrupts and talks over him. I can't get enough of that one (note: sarcasm). Billy decides to hold his tongue.

Slutty is sad. It turns out that Byrite tricked her and only pretended to have a bloody beating victim paraded in front of her. He says it is all about the shex and that it isn't ovah until he says it's ovah. Slutty says "I hate you!" and Byrite looks psychotic. Fool goes off on some sort of "Pub Management for Dummies" course and Slutty weeps alone in the Vic.

Pat thinks deep thoughts about the Birth Certificate and then stomps off to see Ian. He, yes, talks all over her and won't let her tell him about the baybay. Pat sees A-Garry being a Good Dad and is all set to burn the birth certificate (don't do that! The poor kid will need to apply for a passport some day!) but then doesn't. She has a boring conversation about adoption with Shazza where they both sound as though they are reading the lines off a social services website or something. In the end Pat does the Right Thing and goes and tells A-Garrry that the baybay may not be his. Dun Dun Dunnnnhhh, etc