THE FULL DIA-MONTY
Juhneen v Simpleton: Countdown to Moider! Simpers and Juhneen keep bumping into each other at various points. Juhneen goes: "Ner ner ner! I'm so successful and you're just Trisha-flicking dole scum" every time she meets Simpleton. Simpleton usually just looks oppressed or makes a weak riposte that Juhneen crushes under her perfectly sculpted stiletto heel, with a wicked chuckle. That bloke who is Ian's mate meets up with Juhneen and suggests they "combine business with pleasure" at the Grand Opening of Angie's Den Mk II.

O-Den winds the little Wattses up by pretending they haven't passed the fire inspection, the wag! I can't exactly remember what the last place looked like, but all they seem to have done is paint the walls orange and put ghastly Changing Rooms-style "artworks" made out of three leaves glued to a bit of cardboard. Denman is happy to be part of the family again, so happy that he only exchanges one longing gaze with Shaz all day. The posters advertising the club's relaunch appear to have only come back on the printers on the day of the launch, and they're horrible to boot. Shaz, this is not the Hacienda: at least their posters were design classics.

Byrite is annoying Sham with his needling about Araminta and slightly too obvious Slutty baiting. Araminta and AGarry circle each other around the Arches like a pair of neutered tomcats. Then Araminta displays his mechanical genius for AGarry to marvel at. AGarry admits that he doesn't know how to ride Mark's motorbike, and Minty offers to teach him. Pat walks in on them grappling with each other and pretending they're riding Highway 51 or something. She tells AGarry to start pulling his weight vis à vis his and Simpleton's rather cute Freak Genetic Experiment, and do a bit of babysitting.

Juhneen goes around bragging about her big business deal to all and sundry. All and sundry tell her that she's mistaken them for people who give a fuck.

It is the night of the relaunch. Gangsta Juley gets rushed by a mob of tiny 15-year-olds, and Teen appears to have gone so mad with the curling tongs that she forgot about her dress and came out in her underwear. Are those real? She tells Backstreet to wear his collar up. Very symbolic.

Simpers has put some slap on, and sips a daiquiri in a dark corner with Pat. It doesn't stop Juhneen ferreting her out and taunting her again. For some reason known only to the scriptwriters, Successful Businessperson Juhneen arranges to sign said contract in the night club, with Ian and Kyert as witnesses. Just as Blokey is about to sign, Simpleton says: "Don't sign with her! She's a crack ho' with cards in the phonebox and everything." Juhneen says: "No I wasn't. Ask anyone." The rest of the club falls silent and says: "ummm...actually..." Simpers runs home to shout at poor AGarry. Juhneen goes back to the signing, but all Blokey is interested in now is doing it 'ho style. Because he's never had the courage to actually speak to a proper real-life 'ho before, and would she be interested in an all-night session. Juhneen's lips disappear, which means she's really really cross.

Meanwhile, a tall thin lady with Alex Kington hair walks into the Vic and starts asking for O-Den. She's sharp, she's sassy, and she's wearing a nice suit. In fact, I'd say she was a LadyDen. LadyDen gets Billy to take her to the club, where she gets taken into O-Den's office. A little bit of expositional conversation later, and it turns out that she's his missus, she left him when she heard that he was going to the airport with a young girl (Vickney), and now she's wants her half of the profits from their Spanish crack den business. Den takes her to the B&B where, alone with TriniDad, she discovers that O-Den has three children (all different mothers), and that he's spent all his money on the club. Oh dear. LadyDen promises to stalk O-Den and start boiling long-eared rodents if he doesn't give her money back soon.

Baby Simplet won't go to sleep, and Simpleton is tired. The doorbell rings, and she thinks it's AGarry, but no, it's Juhneen, and She's Angry (ba-bababah). Juhneen starts laying into Simpleton, calling her a loser, baby, and within seconds it's catfight time! They're pulling hair, chucking toys, rolling around on the floor...until Juhneen's street survival skills triumph again, and she's holding Simpers by the throat. But she doesn't kill Simpleton. Instead she vows to watch her crawl around in the gutter and laugh. Thought she was doing that already? Anyway, she bumps into Pat on the way out, and yells: "the bitch deserved it!" Simps is crying. Pat chases after Juhneen. Simpers phones her mum, but apparently her father can't live with the shame of a grandchild born out of wedlock because they're actually members of a tiny religious cult that believes that the Day of Reckoning will come and it will be like the Sixties never happened and the Daily Mail shall reign supreme. She decides to call Ian and tell him that the Simplet is his child. How does she prove this, I've no idea.

Ian's over at Kyert's. Now, I wouldn't have put Kyert down as a Joe Jackson fan, but there he is, warbling in the background while Ian dodges shiftily about the Juhneen/ho question. Detective Kyert doesn't notice his shiftiness, but persuades him to go

Pat's at Juhneen's, telling her that Simpleton is punching way above her weight, and Juhneen should stop crushing her like a bug because it's not fair. Juhneen says that Simpleton started it and calls Pat a sad old loser. Eventually they start on Bazza, and Pat accuses Juhneen of pushing Bazza over a cliff. Juhneen corrects her and says that he fell, but she did run down to the bottom of the cliff to watch him die. Pat reels from this one and says that Juhneen was always a strange child. She always wondered why, and now she realises it's because Juhneen is in fact 100% pure unadulterated eeeevil.

Denman saves Teen from Scalliq's drunken fumbling. Teen carries on shaking her booty with Denman, while poor Backstreet's collar droops disconsolately.

Ian realises that Kyert's not going to come across until he deals with Simpleton's last request. Siimpleton is busy writing a "Dear Ian, It's your kid..." note, and doesn't answer the door. Then she realises that it's Ian, runs to the door, slips on one of the Simplet's toy engines and hurtles to her doom. Pat comes home to find Simplet squalling like a good 'un and Simpleton lying at the bottom of the stairs. Pat sobs: "nooooo!"