THE GOOMAH STRIKES BACK
Hmmm...OK, most of the second half of Monday's ep was the set up to tonight's Fool/Slutty two-hander.

The first half dealt with Ian doing his "I'm Superdad. I don't need your help with Simplet" thing. The Midwich Twins glower at poor crying Simplet and Kyert (who appears to have moved in) tells him to call AGarry. AGarry takes Ian through the complicated West-Ham-themed evening routine and looks sad. Poor AGarry!

Teen plays hard to get with Denman and gets invited out for fish and chips or something. MY Gus decides to go for a world record. No I don't know why either. World's sappiest poem?

Byrite looks evil, gives Fool the tape under the flimsiest pretext imaginable. Fool chucks it in bin. Later, Fool prepares romantic candlelit tryst in the living room, having got rid of Ethel and Backstreet. While he's waiting, curiosity gets the better of him, and he puts the vid on, only to find Byrite and Kat doing it the nasty way.

So, having spent a lovely evening playing cards with various Slaters at the Slater tardis, Kat bounces home and finds Fool watching That Vid.

Slutty: Ohhhh...shit. It's not like that...really

Fool: What do you mean you dirty 'ho? Everybody said that you were a dirty 'ho but I didn't listen because you kept telling me what a good girl you really are. What a fool I am to marry you! Why yes, I am the Fool of Albert Square. How many other men have you shagged behind my back, you 'ho?

Slutty: Byrite tricked me into sleeping with him. He said he'd kill you if I didn't put out and you didn't pay up.

Fool: But I did pay up!

Slutty: Umm...yeah, that was after we'd...ummm...

Fool: Woe woe and thrice woe! For verily I am the cuckold! You're my wife, fer chrissakes. Wives don't go around sleeping with toy gangstas, or did nobody explain that to you at 'ho school?

Slutty: I did it for you! Are you saying that you wouldn't do the same for me?

Fool: Well...ummm...no...I mean yes...ummm...no no! Look, don't go playing around with my moral certainties like that. Wives don't go around sleeping with toy gangstas! Not even Slutty wives like you! I've seen you with your short skirts and orange foundation...

Slutty: Hang on a minute! I became shiny and new when I married you. And you forced me back into Sluttydom with your stupid superhero complex, fuckwit.

Fool: That's no superhero complex; that's a sincere reaction to the discovery that my parents might have avoided their hideous fatal car crash if I had fixed Dad's car stereo so that he might swap Chris de Burgh tapes without taking his eye off the road.

Slutty: Well if we're going to play that game, I was raped when I was 13...

Fool: Not fair!

Slutty: Tough, and shagging Byrite was worse than shagging Uncle Boon. But I did it for you! My only crime is loving you too much. Byrite staged all this to split us up, and you're doing exactly what he wants.

Anyway, it continues in this vein for another ten minutes or so. My sister-in-law called in the middle, so I might have missed something. Slutty finally walks out of the Vic, then Fool calls her back. They agree to salvage the pitiful remains of their marriage. Slutty is happy: Fool tries not to scrub his hands after touching her.

Interesting fact no 675: the staff of Bangalor call centres working for UK-based companies have to watch episodes of EastEnders in order to understand UK culture. I make no further comment.