GLEN MARTIN GLENN MOOMIN
No, really folks, this one was quite good. Not quite up there with the Dot/Ethel abortion two-hander; or down there with the Shazz/Denman/Den crypto act, but pretty damn good all the same.

So anyway, Moomin's pottering about, making tea for Glenn, who's touching up her bruises when Moomin's out of the room and making evil gurny faces while locking all the doors. Glenn turns to Moomin's marriage and tries to convince Moomin that MMartin married her out of guilt for making her pregnant with the Moominlet and killing her fiance. Actually, in Real World, those would be reasons to kill MMartin very very dead, or at least snub him in the street... At last, Moomin notices that something may be a bit amiss in Glenn's argument. Like logic, for example.

Besides, if she's so confident about MMartin, why is she locking all the doors?

Meanwhile, MMartin bounces off the walls and hammers on his cell door.
MMartin: Let me out! My wife's in deadly peril!
Voices off: Shurrup! hur hur hur!

Glenn's face gets madder and madder as she tells Moomin about her night of love with MMartin. Moomin's all: "LALALA! Can't hear you, mentalist harpy!".

The cell door opens and a cross policeman appears.
Cross policeman: We've decided to bail you because the mad axe murderer in Cell 15 says you're keeping him awake.

MMartin tries to get a cab, but all the drivers must be from south London, because nobody will go "Up East". He eventually gets back just as Moomin is throwing Glenn out (Betty the dog has sensibly made herself scarce). MMartin tells Moomin to get out of there. Moomin asks him if he slept with that mentalist, hair twirling harpy in the corner. What's happened to all the lights, by the way? Glen twirls her hair and goes on about how wonderful in bed MMartin is. Moomin probably knows she's lying by now. Glenn mentions a "spark" that was in MMartin's eyes the first time they met, and how that proves they were meant for each other. Moomin says: "No, that's Film love, not Soap Opera love. Film love's all about sparks and thunderbolts between beautiful people. Soap Opera love's all about infidelity, implausible stalker plotlines and hiding inconvenient pregnancies under duvets."

Meanwhile, Poline is bored with her bruised brain and decides to check up on the Moomins, in case they're having sex or something. She can't get through, so she sends Jim over to the house.

So anyway, there they are, still duking it out in the living room. Glenn gets madder and madder, rambling about dirty filthy men wanting to bang barmaids and looking for the one who would take her away from her temporary barmaid hell. It turns out that MMartin passed out without even touching her, which makes him The One, as far as Glenn is concerned. MMartin and Moomin suddenly realise that they are dealing with a proper real mentalist, and try to talk her down. Glenn lunges with her pocket knife and sticks MMartin in the side. MOOMIN POWERS DESTROY! and Moomin brains her with Poline's fruit bowl. Moomin and MMartin declare that their love will never die, and cover up MMartin's stab wound with a duvet - how did that get there. Jim calls an ambulance.