THE UNBEARABLE REDNESS OF FILL
Deadly Betrayal: the Fill and Lisa Story, Pt 1. The first in a special five nighter which promises to tell us the truth about Lisa's death/disappearance/silencing/whatever.

Lady Copper and Baldy Bloke are worried that UKyert is starting to get a bit sympathetic towards Fill (well, she is a woman, and this is the LaLaLa Eastenders universe where short tomato-faced thugs are worshipped as gods). UKyert says: "No no! He's just not as bad as you make him out to be. And I don't think he did it." Lady Copper says: "Oh yes he did, missy. Now go and use your feminine wiles to make him 'fess up". Baldy bloke looks menacing and growls. There's a bloke from Lock Stock...lurking in the background as well, I think.

Fill offers to make a romantic roast beef (on a Monday???) dinner for two so that he and UKyert can share their deepest secrets while digesting Yorkshire pud. Shazza visits Fill and tells him not to scare her off by mentioning all of the violence, vehicle crime, racketeering, murder, alcoholism, semi-incestuous affairs with siblings' partners etc from his past and then she starts whiffling on about Hero Fireman Tom being The One. I decided to feed the cats at this point.

So, UKyert gets wired up, and with half the Met positioned around the house, listening in (no wonder my burglars never got caught, and the neighbours' brats walk all over my garden wall with impunity; the coppers are too busy listening to wife-beaters' confessions from a mike hidden in a WPC's knickers), she goes to practise her womanly wiles on Fill, without actually sleeping with him.

Then follows the most tedious build-up in the history of tedious build-ups. She keeps telling him not to say anything, he says: "but I want to get it off my chest" and groping her knee. There is a non-comedy moment when Lady Copper and Baldy pretend to be snogging so that Fill doesn't recognise them, but that's it. He's going to cast his mind back over the next four episodes. The Yorkshire puds will go all rubbery and this will prove to be the longest week of our lives. I promise you.

I'm going out tomorrow night, thank god.