NOT WITHOUT MY BAYBAY!

Shattered Trust: The Fill and Lisa Story, Pt 2,By Mark

The shadow of Fill's head on the wall transforms into the the shadow of Fill's head on the wall in Portugal, thanks to the magic of editing. Fill is grumping around making the hotel staff miserable and talking to Babs on his mobile. He has made friends with a wizened Paul Daniels looking bloke who wears nasty jumpers for no other reason than to move the plot along later on.

Why, do I hear ultrasonic gibbering somewhere? Yes, it is Lisa, playing with MiniFill on a beach and talking to a posh lady in a Monsoon frock. Lisa says her name is "Mary" but she will always be "Squeaky" to me. Squeaky says that Mel is in Lisbon working as a feisty army police woman, I ean "about to have her own baby". How convenient. It is MiniFill's birthday and Monsoon lady offers to help have a birthday party. Some Random Bloke shows up and asks Squeaky out on a date. Monsoon asks lots of probing questions about Squeaky's past and acts all suspicious. However, in a plot twist of "Usual Suspects" type magnitude Random Bloke turns out to be the rat and sells Squeaky's address to Fill. He says he "likes" Squeaky even though they exchanged, like, three sentences. Likes her chest more like... Random Bloke sees Fill be mean to PaulDaniels Bloke and realises that Fill is a psycho. It's all very well feeling bad now, JUDAS!

Monsoon looks after MiniFill at her place while Squeaky pops to the shops. When she gets back to her own flat Fill is there. Dun Dun Dunnnn! They both make small talk and pretend that Fill isn't going to snatch Minifill. Squeaky casually says she will go and fetch MiniFill and bring her back to meet Fill just as soon as she has packed a suitcase (not really). she drives off and fill follows her. Randombloke follows them too and is concerned for Squeaky all of a sudden. Eventually Fill admits that he wants to snatch Minifill and they have a scuffle by Squeaky's car. In the end Squeaky says "Mneuuuu!" and knees Fill in the nads. Go Squeaky! She drives off and Fill follows her for the most pitiful car chase in TV history.

They both drive along a bit at the speed limit while Fill flashes his lights and hoots his horn to try and raise a bit excitement. Squeaky manages to overtake a slow moving tractor but then fill can't! Oh the excitement! Squeaky "hides" in a lay-by and Fill drives past. "Lets go to Lisbon!" says Squeaky and then sets off down a mud track into a damp quarry. I don't think Lisbon is that way, love. She has a puncture (and says "Oh no! I've got a puncture!" Thanks narrator girl) and so gets out and runs off with MiniFill (leaving her keys in the car. idiot). She sets off into a forest and walks straight into a branch, bloodying her nose (idiot x 2) and causing the camera to go all out of focus. Squeaky makes sonar type squeaky noises and spins around for no reason. There is shaky cam footage of trees. Trees. More trees. Fill's story is that Lisa was killed by the Blair Witch? Hmmm. In the end she runs off and finds that she is on the edge of a cliff. Oh for gods sake, does Squeaky even knows what "Lisbon" means. Fill appears and shouts "Ah want-uh my Baybay!" all Mark Smith style. Squeaky gibbers and cowers at the edge of the cliff.

to be continued...