Brassy Babs nabs Fool

by Mark
All the Fowlers (plus Gay Pike) discuss the arrival of New American Vicki (aka Vickney) who (a) looks a bit like Kelly Osbourne would if you stretched her head and (b) has a fairly shit American accent. Vickney listens in as they discuss packing her back off to the US. She makes calculating faces (and later does that clichéd actor thing of hugging people whilst staring calculatingly into space) and manipulates Poline and Shazza into loving her and letting her stay. Like, Ahsome! Poline begs Gay Pike to stay too so that he can continue to fulfil his sole plot function of “being Poline's Bitch”.

Babs wanders round moaning about Fool treating her like a mug (cue joke about him filling her with hot liquid). It turns out that he nicked the money but then returned it. Everyone is sad that Fool is no longer around to amuse them with his dress sense. Slutty finds the address that Backstreet gave to Kellay and gives it Babs. Babs says she doesn’t want to see him ever again. Slutty and Babs have a Brassiness Showdown where Slutty says that she thought that Babs was a Mitchell, and Hard etc but actually she is a pushover. Babs decides to go and give Fool a piece of her mind. Fool and his idiot family are moping around their grotty Kings X bedsit when Babs shows up and starts abusing Fool. Fool gives Babs some sob story about how he had his life all planned out until his parents died in a car crash and he suddenly had to do crime to support Ethel 2.0 and Backstreet. A halo appears round fool’s head, beams of light start shining from his arse, a small crippled child in the street outside walks again and Babs offers him his job back. He says no but then shows up anyway and everyone smiles warmly and has a reason to live again. Babs runs into Evil Copper and tells him that she is going to grass him up to the pigs. Evil Copper makes Scooby Doo style “Bah! Foiled!” noises and runs away.

Mark sees Ian wandering around with a face like a smacked arse. It turns out that his remaining children hate him now too. Good. Mark persuades Ian to bunk off work and have fun and so they spend the day standing in the rain throwing mud at each other. Seriously. Later on Mark goes to the HIV clinic and the Dr tells him that he has run out of storylines. I mean, his combination therapy is no longer working, and that he is going to die soon.