I hate Shane Ritchie, with his hamster face and cheeky cockernee "I fucked a Nolan" grin. Wandering around the square, being a bit wooorrrr...dispensing coq au vin recipes and bonhomie to the idiot residents of Albert Square. Kill him now.

Shane spends most of the latest episode doing the above, flirting with both Sham and Slutty (maybe he'll catch something nasty and disfiguring, like Slutty's dress sense), scamming suit money off Babs and generally being a prick. Nobody has found him out yet, but they got close.

Rickay and Juhneen spend the day in the pub, extracting apologies from all and sundry. Juhneen gets her job back and moves back into the B&B.

Simpleton spends most of the day lying pregnantly on the sofa, caressing her bump (no Simpers, that's lard. You're only two weeks gone, darling) and being mean to Ian. Ian goes into denial and tries to win back the affections of DC Steven. DC Steven spends the day looking at the same page of his BBC Thunderbirds magazine and wondering if the No. 11 bus will take him to the doors of Hades, or will he have to change at Willesden.

Moomin Detective agency part 275. Sonia takes the babay record, plus a pic of Squeaky, Mark and Mini Fill to Inspector Marsden, who thanks her nicely, then tells her to back off and let the police do their job. Actually, if Moomin had been around during my burglary, I reckon the Surfer-Rosa-nicking scum would be behind bars by now instead of flashing my credit cards around the hostelries of Eltham. Give her a job!

Marsden scans the photo and attaches it to a grammatically unsound email addressed to some bloke in Portugal.

Mini Fill gets her old nanny back. Nanny is mildly suspicious, but the Mitchells tell her that Lisa was mad, so that's alright then.

Martin tries to get his end away part 465. Derek goes off to his "conference" and Mo takes over guard duty of Martin's honour. With hilarious consequences (not).

Simpleton takes the test. Ian discovers that there is no way a stray sperm could have wriggled over the gap, and therefore the revelation that Simpleton has been indulging in slutty behaviour is only a few months away.