Oh God, here comes Shane Ritchie playing a character straight out of the stereotype cupboard marked "small time conman". Plus he is called "Alfie Moon" (related to the unbelievable cockernee Moon family in Frasier perhaps) - what combination of drugs were the writers smoking when they decided that any of this was a good idea? Anyway.... he arrives in Walford and immediately indulges in small time connery, he wanders into the Vic just as Babs 'n' Fill are moving out and poses as the new manager. Even though he has obviously never worked in a bar in his life and is caught out lying by such brainiacs as Rickay, Martin and that bloke that runs the CD stall, no-one asks him for ID. He and Sham flirt, annoyingly. He sees the flat he'll be staying in and decides to stay, handily taking a phone call from the real manager and telling him not to bother coming. Ugh, it is all crap and depressing. plus he calls Babs "Duchess". Double ugh.

Martin has a date with that girl. Gay Pike has to go away on business soon. Wa hey!

Juhneen begs Sham and Rickay to let her stay. They say yes but she has to pay rent. While she is packing her bags she happens across one of her ho-cards from before and looks "thoughtful".

Babs tells Charlie that Fill won't let her go on a date with him (paging Dr Freud!) but Charlie says he just wants to be friends. Babs says "to hell with my psychotic son, we will go out for dinner!"

Moomin Detective Agency: Sonia tells the lady copper about Mel impersonating Squeaky and does her big, wet, puppy eyes thing to make the copper believe her. The copper asks for a photo or address for Squeaky so she can send it to the Portugese police, as I suppose it is against interpol regulations to send, oh I don't know, a description or something. (Tall man faced blonde = Mel, tiny Squeaky woman with big rack, wierd eyebrows and overprocessed hair = Lisa). Sonia decides the only way to do it is have Jaymee steal some of Lisa's papers from Fill's house.

Ian searches the house for incriminating poison pen evidence and finds some down the back of the sofa. Him and Pat confront Simpleton (nice coat Pat!) who goes all mental and calls Ian a weasel. Pat says she knows about Ian's secret shame and Simpleton says she wouldn't do anything so evil, even though she has been, like, hell on wheels for months. Later on, her and Ian are still arguing and Simpleton, rather contrivedly, picks up Child of Corn Steven's sports bag to hit Ian. Loads of blair witch style twig figures, unholy pagan icons and cut out bits of newspaper fall out. Duh Duh Duhnnn!