TINA RETURNER
Keef sits on Losers Bench and thinks sad illiterate thoughts. He goes home just in time to hear Dumber calling him a thicky thick thicko whist Mickney and Demi defend him. Dumber storms off and Keef is sad. He cleans the Vic whilst rosie Klebb is cleaning the restaurant and gets some extra work helping with barrels and crates etc in the Cellar of Death. Sham is pleased with him and offers him more work, but it involves filling in inventory forms etc. Damn those publicans and their fancy book larnin' ways! Keef makes up an excuse and runs away.

Mo drops round the Arches to deliver a sandwich to AGarry but he isn't there. she leers at Minty's not-especially shapely arse as he leans over a motor in his tight green overalls and makes "hubba hubba" noises and says things like "I'd like to give you a big ... sandwich!" Minty is embarrassed, understandably. Ian ponces around and acts all officious and accuses Minty of being slack. Shut up, Ian. Minty calls him "Beale Gates" - not bad.

Dot and Jim don't like keeping the Moominsecret from Poline. They suddenly, randomly start talking about how their house seems so big and empty. Eh?

Tony Bennett and Davetta discuss school. Tony wants to send her to the local "Posho Academy for Wayward Young Ladies". God knows where that is supposed to be - West Ham? Stratford? Davetta wants to go to a normal school. They go to the Posho Academy anyway and we learn that Davetta was doing 11 GCSE's before her mother died in a fiery inferno (OR DID SHE???) Wow, a brainy girl in EE!!! I bet she still ends up working in the caff though. The headmaster thinks she should cut down and Tony Bennett acts like a dick. Davetta reckons she can still do it if she puts her back in to it (as Ice Cube would say) but Tony still acts like a dick. Afterwards Davetta goes shoppping with jojo and moans that she can never do anything to please her dad.

Tony Bennett is acting like a dick because TWIWAN isn't returning his calls and he is really hornay. With her long neck, tiny round face and huge, widely spaced eyes, TWIWAN looks a bit like ET. nickname Alert! Anyway, it turns out that ETina is moving into her shagpad properly! With furniture and everything! (presumably there was just a mattress on the floor before). What's more she has been chatting to Pat and interacting with people too. Tony Bennett runs round and shouts at her, saying "what are you doing! Move back to your old flat before people realise that I'm soiling myself by fornicating with you!" What a prince! Run run away ETina! ETina says she wants to be close to him as she loves him and is his girlfriend. Tony says "you're not my girlfriend, you're my slaggg!" Tool! He storms out and ETina throws a flower pot at his head. Apparently violence is the only thing he will understand and he goes and apologises and says they can make a go of it.

Rosie explains to Dumber that Keef isn't really thick (and they prove this hypothesis by showing Keef beating MY Gus at chess - though presumably this just proves that he is not as thick as Gus) but that no-one cared enough to send him to school when he were a lad and to make sure he learnt. Dumber thinks about this and then goes and manages to earn a few quid of Pat for taking Billy's dog for a walk. He buys a "My first learning to read book" for Keef but Keef thinks he is taking the piss and has a shouty fit. dumber says he is just trying to help and show he cares etc and runs off. Keef rolls his eyes and makes mad faces for a bit.