RUBY, DON’T TAKE YOUR LOVE TO TONE
It is ETina’s 40th birthday – but is that in human years or alien years?? Tony Bennett sends her a big bunch of flowers and they stand on opposite sides of the Square waving and blowing kisses to each other. Subtle. Pat spots them and her huge red super-spy earrings detects the currents of Lurve wafting between them. She makes a knowing face. There is some malarkey about a docklands luxury flat that Tony is buying or something, but I missed that bit so I don’t know. He goes round later and gives ETina a jewellery box. Her little face lights up but then she is devastated when she sees it is just diamond earrings, as earrings are taboo and forbidden on her home planet. Only joking, she was hoping for an engagement ring. She explains why she is sad and Tony says it is too difficult to go public, with Davetta and all. He asks what she wants as her birthday treat and she asks for a quiet night in. Tony promises to be there without fail, so we can all guess what’s going to happen.

Fool gets a letter “from Backstreet” inviting him and Ethel 2.0 to stay for his birthday. Curly is excited as it means he can have a wild party. Um Curly, you are gorwn up and can have a wild party whenever you like. Fool buys a poster of a secxy laydee for Backstreet. I think you might be barking up the wrong tree there, Fool. The Moons are looking at it in the market when Jojo walks past and says “Pervs!” in a perfectly disgusted voice. Heh. Ethel 2.0 gets all excited too and falls off a chair and sprains her ankle. They make it all dramatic though, so you think she’s broken her hip or something. For some reason this is Curly’s fault.

Pat corners ETina in the Vic, gives her a birthday card and comments on her sparkly earrings. She lets her know that she knows about Tony and mentions vaguely that she “knew” him when they were young. We discover that ETina has been kept for ten whole years. Pat says she is around if ever ETina needs a chat and comes across as nice but ulteriorly motivated.

As he is bored with no telly, Keef buys an airfix battleship to assemble. Um Keef, if you have time on your hands you could always say, LEARN TO READ or something. Just a thought. Dumber plays with DC Peter. They talk about the telly crisis and discuss the pros/cons of having a nice slack dad (Keef) compared to a hardworking well off dad whose heart is made of tar (Ian). DC Peter asks why Dumber is so harsh on Keef all of a sudden. Dumber tells him that Keef can’t read and Peter says it is v impressive that Keef is so knowledgeable, even though he can’t read. Dumber looks “thoughtful” and goes home and is nice to Keef. Later on DC Pater brings the telly round and says it is a loan as they have lots of tellies and the DoleScums don’t have any. Ian is sort of trapped into agreeing. My heart, it is warmed.

Davetta gets some papers through for Posho Academy. It turns out that the open day for new students (in April???) is that very night. What are the chances, eh? Tony says he can’t go so Davetta cries and runs away to JoJo, who immediately starts plotting shenanigans. They sneak into the club while Curly has his hands full with some rowdy hen party ladies and hide in TB’s office drinking alcopops. Tony Bennet pops round for something and discovers them. Meanwhile ETina puts on a horrid pink sparkly top and gets ready for dinner – she even serves the food. Um, who serves food before the guests have even arrived? Tony Bennett drags Davetta home and they argue. Tony says that Davetta is a Good Girl but that JoJo is a Bad Girl who should be avoided. Pls keep your rotten virgin/whore dichotomy to yourself, Tony Bennett. Davetta vomits copiously. ETina shows up to find out what the hell is going on and quickly realises that Tony clean forgot about her. She says that he had better not do anything like that again or else they are over! Yeah right. I wonder how many times she has said that in the last ten years.