HER STEPMOTHER IS AN ALIEN
After all the “excitement” of Tuesday’s episode everything is back to normal today.

Billy is dragged in to be questioned by DI Cheferton. Billy stonewalls and says he doesn’t know anything about what Fill has been up to in the last 16 months. Cheferton has to let him go in the end, but not before pointing out spitefully that it is funny that Fill managed to evade the police for 16 months and then was captured the second he trusted Billy to help him. Billy looks a bit queasy. Pat is also questioned and released but her interrogation takes place off camera, so we don’t get to see whether she used “Basic Instinct” style tactics to bamboozle the cops. Afterwards Billy keeps going on about what a genius he is for not helping the police. Shut up, Billy.

Martin plans a special night out for Moomin, which turns out to be cold chips in a shed in the allotment. Instead of instantly dumping him, Moomin finds this romantic.

Poline looks even more sour than usual and makes lots of passive-aggressive comments about how under-appreciated she is. She guilt-trips Dot into covering her shift at the laundrette and goes to sulk in the allotment. In the rain. Why not just cover yourself in sacking and ashes and listen to some Smiths records while you’re at it, Poline. Ian tracks her down (to get her to babysit) and listens to her whining for hours. He talks her out of trying to get the moominbaby back and takes her for a drink to cheer her up.

Dot and Jim argue about what to do with their backdated pension credit windfall. Dot wants to buy a dishwasher and Jim wants to spend it on coke and hookers. Jim goes to collect it and finds out they are getting 4 grand instead of a few hundred quid (decimal places are tricky, apparently). He contemplates not telling Dot and buying a widescreen TV with the extra money (I think Dot would notice that and want to know where the money came from, genius) but Dot finds out at the last minute and says they can buy a new three piece suite instead, because she is a killjoy who hates fun. TriniDad seems to find all this hysterically funny. TriniDad needs to get out more.

LadyDen spends all day fluttering her eyelids at Lee, who sits ay the bar saying, “You’re lovely, you are” repeatedly. They all talk some more about the St Georges Day malarkey, so LadyDen decides to throw a party that no one will ever forget – a English History themed fancy dress party! The horror, etc. Drippy finds out that Fool is due back that day and gets all excited. She asks LadyDen if it is possible to talk to a man in a familiar way without becoming betrothed to him. LadyDen says it is all just a bit of fun and that they will have to find a man for her, even though Drippy has been wittering on about Fool all day. Perhaps LadyDen’s gigantic hair is obscuring her hearing. Drippy contrives to spill beer down herself and goes home to change into a fancy, but unpleasant, frock. Mo guesses that she has a man but doesn’t know who it is. When Drippy gets back to the bar, Lee says Fool isn’t coming home that day after all. Drippy is sad, not least because her fancy frock will now reek of beer and fags and she will have to get it dry cleaned. All for nothing! Nothing!

ETina runs into Tony Bennett in the caff and finds out that he is poorly and has a temperature. She tells him to go home and get himself tucked up in bed and hatches a cunning plan to prove that she is an actual earth woman and not an alien star beast from beyond the Crab Nebula. She goes round with some soup and lemsip etc and nurtures him, because she is a woman and is therefore nurturing. The house is a mess and ETina is constantly drawn to a big pile of ironing, because she is a woman and is therefore domestic. They watch an old black and white film on the sofa together and ETina simpers “This is my favourite bit!” as a couple kiss on screen – yes, ETina is a woman and is therefore romantic. Tony falls asleep and Etina does all the ironing and tidies up. Davetta comes home from college earlier than expected so Tony panics and sends ETina packing out the back way. She stomps off in a strop, making super-dramatic soap style angry faces. Bah! Foiled by the human child again! Can we move on with this plot now, please.