BEALEMEISTER UNBOUND
Fill takes off his hat and says “Hello Billy” in that annoying voice of his that always makes me want to clear my throat. He sits down and starts knocking back vodka (great – it’s not just Fill but Red Drunken Angry Fill) and explains that he is on the run from the cops and needs £3k cash immediately. He asks where Sham is? Why there is a “dodgy bint” in the Vic? Where is Drippy? Where is Kyert? Billy explains the storylines for the last couple of years – thanks scriptwriter but we have been actually watching, unfortunately – and asks why Fill isn’t in Rio with Babs and Grant. I think the “with Babs and Grant” bit is the answer there. Fill suggests they go round all the businesses and start raiding tills but Billy puts him off by saying that Sham is away and he doesn’t work for her any more. He completely fails to mention that Sham has LOST EVERYTHING. He says he can borrow £3k no problem and runs off. ETina comes downstairs and Fill grabs her and tells her to keep quiet. The police start knocking at the door and Pat comes down and asks Fill what he is doing there – she tells him to go out the back and that she will stall the cops. Fill skips off and Pat answers the door – it is DI Cheferton, asking after Fill and Billy. Pat invites him in and camps it up (like, even more than usual) while ETina sits there all tight lipped. As if she wouldn’t have done this before in her ten yr relationship with Tony Bennett.

Fill ninjas around the back streets with all the grace and stealth of a portly rhino. It is quite cruel that the script requires him to do so much running in this episode. The police are everywhere but none of them notice him. It is like a rubbish playstation game where the baddies don’t do anything until you go over to them and kick them in the head and then you can avoid them by just popping into the next room.

Speaking of the Tonester, that is where Billy goes to borrow cash. Tony says he won’t at first but then does on the condition that Fill never comes to Walford and causes fuss and disturbance again. Pathetic. Billy runs back into Pat’s waving the money in the air like a fool and, of course, the police are still there and make him explain himself - Billy says he won the money gambling, but there were no witnesses as it was a secret invisible betting shop, or something. DI Cheferton suggests fingerprinting the vodka glass. Ruh roh.

Fill busts into Ian’s house and grabs Ian round the throat. Sweet. Ian whimpers “I’ll scream!” Ha ha ha. Fill punches him in the face and demands money. Ian gives him some cash but says he doesn’t have any more. Fill takes him upstairs and starts flushing his head down the toilet. This is more like it. Jane knocks on the door and asks if he is alright and Ian says he is sick. Sick of being bitch-slapped by morons, more like. They go back downstairs and Fill growls and says “Grr, smash” a lot and “terrorises” Ian. He is distracted from his terrorising by a picture of Ben and Kaffee on Ian’s fridge. He starts snivelling about how he is a deadbeat dad who never sees his kids anymore. Sympathy anyone? Bueller? Anyone? No? DC Lucy comes downstairs and Fill grabs her while Ian puts off the police, who are door-to-door-ing like crazy by now (it’s quite funny – whenever the cops knock on a door a blue flashing light immediately shines through the window, suggesting that the police have got lights on top of their helmets). DC Lucy glowers at Fill but Ian comes back in before she can make his head explode like in Scanners. He tells Fill to wait in the Arches (which are his now, oh yes) while he goes and gets the money. Fill prances off again and avoids the Playstation Cops with ease. He loiters round the Arches (turning the light on like a fool – it is no wonder the cops are ten paces behind you, Fill) and contemplates phoning Ben is Sarf Afrika (way to use up all your prepay, Fill). He hears a noise outside, so of course he opens the door to have a look (still like a fool). The cops actually spot him this time so chasing ensues. He scampers around but is beset by cops everywhere he turns. He runs into Minty (Minty: “Daddy! I mean Fill! Is that you?”) and then breaks into Poline’s house. Him and Moomin stare soulfully at each other for a bit, making me dread a recap of Jaymee’s Lament, but then the police show up and he runs off, disrupting Poline’s doilies and knick-knacks in the process. Moomin is all for stalling the cops, but Poline calls her a “stupid little girl” (meow!!) and tells the police he went thataway.

Fill is finally cornered. The cops seem to think they are in a Bruce Lee film and politely attack him one at a time, until one of them shouts “Bundle!” and they all pile in and cream him. Everyone else on the square twitches their curtains and makes sad faces. DI Cheferton comes over for a quick gloat and then Ian shows up all smug and superior, saying “Bwah hah hah, your children were always your greatest weakness, Mitchell. Shower carefully in prison!” It is not clear whether Ian grassed him up or not, but Billy makes a scrunchy face so he seems to think he did. Fill is dragged off in chains to the Big House. Byeee!