RETURN OF THE KAT
Big Mo gets a call from Big Mel, or Big Mary, or something Big. This leads me to believe that Mo was in some kind of chirpy cockney crime outfit of the 60s called the Big Ms – kind of like The Italian Job meets the Spice Girls with extra pies.

Big Mel’s in prison, and Mo goes to see her. Any fule can see it isn’t a proper prison: there’s no psycho blonde and her six-foot bald Jamaican bouncer, and no Sylvia Bodybag. Do they think we’re stupid? Anyway Big Mel moans about a mouthy cow who “thinks she runs the place”, and good golly Big Molly if it isn’t Slutty. Prison life means that she has had to ditch the leopardskin mini for a grey hoody, but it just so happens that she gets let out the next day, and it’s back to the full warpaint and black stuff. Mo tracks her down to a seedy pub where she is busy berating a sullen barman played by someone I met at a friend’s wedding. Slutty isn’t keen on coming home, but Mo keeps telling her that Teen needs her. Anyway, it soon turns out that Slutty doesn’t have much choice: the boyf chucks her out and then she gets into a fight with Darlene Cake’s mum at the Hostel For Wayward Young Ladies, and ends up losing everything except for her full leopardskin ensemble and some red lippy.

Meanwhile Fool and Drippy are drowning in their own wetness. Drippy tries to sort things out with Billy, who has finally realised that he loves Cute Baby Freddy after all. Fool wants to know why she can’t just dump Billy like an hot brick and move in and marry him right now. Shut up Fool.

Dolescum Central has been moved to the dodgy estate from whence they came while the rat situation is dealt with. Demi suffers abuse from the local brat gangs, and Busted Boy (called Leo) looks tortured. They send each other secret txts, standing on their flats’ balconies, while Rosie and the others busy themselves with the preparations for Cute Baby Aleesha’s christening. We also get to know Busted Boy’s family a bit better. Mrs Busted is a doormat: Mr Busted is seething with bitterness and rancour over something Keef did to ruin their thriving E-coli Burger stall. After Mr Busted breaks up the christening by yelling: “The child is Satan spawned of a whore!”, Keef improvises a baptism in the kitchen sink, and I think we’re supposed to infer that he is a saint in Dolescum clothing or something. Poline wears her non-evil hat and reluctantly approves of the whole thing.

Note to EE producers: lingering shots of Cute Baby Aleesha in full-on cute mode will not cause me to modify my language. So there. But she is a little darling, bless her.

Demi and Busted Boy meet secretly on the roof and make plans to run away together (running away forever, DemiandLeo!). Meanwhile Mr Busted and Keef have a slanging match in the car park – all we need now is a few ballet-dancing Puerto Ricans and we’ll have a full-on East Side Story. Mr Busted wrecks Clint’s Creamy Whip Van. Clint is sad that his creamy whip will no longer tantalise the tastebuds. Keef discovers that the rat epidemic is down to Jim’s compost heap (way to go with the environmental message, producers), and moves the family back home. Demi decides not to run away because she can’t leave CBAleesha. Busted Boy doesn’t look all that bothered. Bye bye Busted Boy. Hope you find a new career soon and not in the Year 3000.

Slutty returns to Walford and keeps nearly stumbling on Fool and Drippy discussing the future of their non-relationship. She overhears Rainman discussing a big family dinner, and snits off because he doesn’t mention her - hang on, he doesn’t’ even know she’s alive. Big Mo catches up with her and tears up her travelcard to make her stop running away. Slutty snits off anyway. While Slutty is arguing with the bus driver, local scamps put her bag under the bus wheels, and she has no choice but to go home long enough to steal some of Teen’s clothes.
Meanwhile Drippy and Fool have concocted a sensitive, thoughtful and tasteful way of announcing their love to the world. Drippy has to come up to Fool in the pub and snog his face off. Fool turns around when he feels a tap on his shoulder, tongue a-ready, but eeeek! It’s Slutty!