POLINE CONVERSION
No such chance.

I missed Thursday's ep, so it's straight into Friday's revelations. MMartin and Moomin buy fish and chips for lunch, but Poline has made sandwiches. You can cut the atmosphere of rapidly congealing molten lard with a knife as Poline turns her basilisk stare on Moomin. Moomin realises the game is up and puts the Moomin powers on emergency standby. MMartin disappears to sulk at the stall.

Never mind Ian McKellen, says the BBC, we've got Soap Queen Smackdown. In the blue corner, Moomin and her Modern Miss ways; and Poline - who apparently slept through the 1960s - in the red corner. Poline goes first with an attack on Modern Miss values like careers and enjoying yourself. What matters, says Poline, is putting your entire soul into the care of your children. Moominpowers ACTIVATE, and she tells Poline that with one son dead, a daughter in Florida and the other son tied firmly to Moomin's kinky nurse outfit, it's time to hang up her cardigan and fly off to the great Lyons Corner Shop in the sky. Oooh...she's using Evil Dust. Anyway Poline and Moomin act their socks off (Wendy Richard's damn good, given a chance). Poline moans about Moomin being selfish and not wanting Moominchild. Moomin finally confesses that she stalked Moominchild, got found out, and now has to stay away from her forevah. Poline asks what did she do that for; Moomin says: "Why, to piss you off, you prune-faced old harridan...". Oooh! more nights in the knife drawer for Moomin!

Meanwhile, Minty and AGarry try to prove that they're definitely not gay with some clumsy double entendres and pretending that the gym is Fitness First or something. They muse on The Eternal Mystery That Is Woman, and I wish I could say that they decided to explore other expressions of their sexual identity on the garage floor, but they go for a pint instead.

JoJo and Davetta weave brilliantly in and out of other people's scenes, doing weird things with chips and talking about ETina. Davetta wants to give ETina a chance, but JoJo says she should ruin their relationship before her dad gets busy with the matches again (oops). MMartin shouts at them for stealing apples - why when he was their age he was taking drugs and breaking into houses...young people of today don't know they're born etc - but ETina calms MMartin down and pays for the apples, which impresses Davetta for some reason. JoJo calls MMartin a nutter.

All you need to know about Fool and Drippy is that Drippy confesses that there was no extra bloke, and Fool says he didn't meet anybody nice at the speed dating. Then they gurn at each other. Bring back Slutty now!