POLINIAN CRAPSODY
The stall is not making enough money so Mickney has to sack Keef. They are worried about telling him but he doesn’t really care, seeing as how is a workshy bastard. Keef and Dumber bond over homework and Keef takes his first steps on the road to semi-literacy. Good for you, Keef. They all have a DoleScum conference about choosing god-parents for Baybay Aleesha – Keef and Rosa Klebb take over and plump for LadyDen and Tony Bennett on account of how they are rich and have lots of access to free liquor. Also they are both MURDERERS. Way to go, Dolescums. Demi is sad and later sneaks off and recruits Poline and Mickney instead – I wouldn’t say that a venomous witch and deranged he-muppet are much of an improvement but well done Demi for showing some spine. Also, looking forward to Poline/Rosa catfights aplenty at the christening.

ETina: she’s leaving! She’s not leaving! She’s leaving! She’s not leaving! Oh just get on with it. I think she stays in the end and Davetta gives her her blessing. Whatever. Davetta spends half the time running to Jojo and sharing all the shock revelations. Jojo is quite funny. Tony Bennet confesses that the reason he isn’t as close to Davetta as he was to Scarlett is that Scarlett had meningitis when Mrs Bennett was preggers with Davetta, so Mrs B went away to protect the baby and Tony nursed Scarlett through her near fatal brain fever and bonded a lot. Tony and Davetta cry, hug, learn etc. Davetta also decides to go back to her posho boarding school. Shame – come back soon, Davetta, we like you! Q: Gasp! What is JoJo going to do in the meantime? A: hang around and make fun of AGarry. That’s alright then.

Dot has more bone shaking driving lessons with Him out of Summer Holiday. Jim is jealous and Moomin tells him off for not being supportive.

Agarry and Minty have more disastrous non-comedy dates – with women not each other (for now…)

Fool and Drippy sneak around trying to have their insipid affair. Ethel 2.0 and Big Mo are both on their cases. Here’s a thought, you thickos – why not try hopping on a bus instead of having all your secret dates in Walford. Jeeezus. The first date is in Fool’s flat – he wants to show her “It’s a wonderful Life” but the DVD player is bust so Fool acts it out (and gets it wrong, apparently) instead, giving Shane Ritchie opportunity to be uber-annoying. Shut up, Fool. Next time he cooks her a meal in Agarry’s/Minty’s gay love nest but then the blokes come home early so Fool takes Drippy to the Arches to finish their tea instead – oh the arches, How many sordid sexual shenanigans have you witnessed? If these walls could talk etc. Drippy starts getting all metaphysical and saying that their dating disasters are omens that their love is Not To Be. Don’t be silly – if that was true the fates would conspire to put Slutty back on the scene! Fool calms her down by snogging her and saying “How can something wrong feel so right?” Shut up, Fool. Again.

Moomin and MMartin languish at Dot’s but don’t really like it. Poline bickers with Dot about whether she is driving her family away. She tries to get Pike to talk Mmartin round but he refuses and says that he thinks she’s in the wrong. Poline tells him to pack his bags and get out then! Oh my god! What a bitch!! Pike stays at Dot’s TARDIS for a bit and then decides to go and live with his son. Buh bye Pike. Maybe the next token gay character won’t be a big waste of space who only got laid once in five years. I would worry about who is going to manage the community centre now, but apparently it has disappeared into a hole in the fabric of the space time continuum. So that’s alright then. Anyway, as the week progresses, Poline seems to become more reasonable. She talks about how she doesn’t want to lose her family and has a nice chat with MMartin when they meet at the graveyard on the anniversary of Arfur’s death. She announces that she is going to give them the house and move somewhere smaller and in the meantime is going to stay with her sister in Sarfend. She packs her bag and orders a taxi. Moomin and Mmartin beg her to stay but she is insistent and drives off. Moomin and Mmartin instantly move back into their old house from Dot’s. But what is this? Poline drives round the corner, tells the driver to stop for a few minutes and then goes back home. She tells moomin/mmartin that her sister has suddenly fallen ill and there has been a change of plan. Now that they have moved back in they may as well stay. She says she will look for a B&B in the morning and goes of to see Dot. Mmartin and Moomin sink into depression when they realise that Poline has manipulated them like witless puppets. Poline tells Dot that she has finally got them home again and soon she will have Chloe home too. Oh Poline, you evil evil bitch. Beelzebub has a devil set aside for you. For you. For yoooooooo!!!!!